


Never Imagined We'd End Like This

by orphan_account



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, Body Image, Cheating, Depression, F/M, Miscarriage, Panic Attacks, Pregnancy, Seperation, Smut, Supportive Abby, bellarke babies ahhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:15:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 25,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21626671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Clarke had known something was going on for months now. But, like the perfect person, like the perfect wife that she was, she had said nothing. Instead taking a back seat, silently loving and supporting her husband, chalking it up to extra stress at work like he had been claiming. An affair had passed through her mind a few times, but she had quickly waved it off. He would never. They had made vows, he loved her. She loved him.Never in her worst dreams did she imagine this would happen. Never in any too long lasting dream turned nightmare did she create some alternate universe where he would cheat on her.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 63
Kudos: 224





	1. and suddenly, you hold my heart in your hands

**Author's Note:**

> Wow I hate that I wrote this. I doubt it actually makes sense, I just wanted to write some Bellarke angst cause why not. Trigger warning for miscarriage and depression kinda? Also I stole a line from a taylor swift song for the title that doesn't really apply but I sUck at naming things lol rip at my future kids. Also kinda stole a line from hamilton towards the end. Please don't sue me anyone k thx

Clarke had known something was going on for months now. But, like the perfect person, like the perfect wife that she was, she had said nothing. Instead taking a back seat, silently loving and supporting her husband, chalking it up to extra stress at work like he had been claiming. An affair had passed through her mind a few times, but she had quickly waved it off. He would never. They had made vows, he loved her. She loved him. 

Never in her worst dreams did she imagine this would happen. Never in any too long lasting dream turned nightmare did she create some alternate universe where he would cheat on her. 

“Clarke, please, baby, talk to me, say anything,” He begged, on his knees where she sat on the couch, holding herself. She sighed, offering him the saddest smile she could muster. She closed her eyes, taking a calming breath to keep holding back the tears. 

“I’m going to stay somewhere else tonight,” She brushed a weak hand through his hair, finally moving from the couch. He followed her into their room, silently helping her fold and pack clothes. It had been years since they had been so conscious of the others presence, silently dancing around the other, Clarke not knowing if she could keep holding back the breakdown if he touched her, and Bellamy too scared of hurting her more. 

She offered a quick wave over her shoulder as she threw her bag into her car, finally allowing tears to silently streak down her face. 

Bellamy heard nothing from her for a week. Not a single one of their friends would tell him where she was staying, as per her request. She had even been gracious enough to not tell anyone what happened. They had fought before, usually when things got too stressful for both of them and they came home, ready to blow up. But those were trivial arguments over stupid things, like dishes. 

After a week with no news, he called her work, only to be told she hadn’t come in since last Tuesday. The day he had admitted to her what had been going on. 

He hadn’t gone into work either, but that was for a different reason. He had been working at home, not yet sure what to do about Echo sitting there. He could fire her, put an innocent person out of a job. After all, he was the married one here. Sure, she had been introduced to Clarke several times, but at least her actions weren’t hurting anyone in her life. The last thing he wanted to deal with was an unrightful termination lawsuit. After two weeks, with no divorce papers delivered, he took a tentative step, and texted her. 

Bellamy: How are you?  
He didn’t get a response. 

Raven showed up the next day, knocking at his door. He tentatively opened it, hoping he would see his wife. That this was just a bad dream, that he could just go back to June, and tell Echo to fuck off. What he wouldn’t give to go back to then. To come home that night and hold the love of his life in his arms, and never let her go, vowing to never hurt her. He shook his head, finding Raven at his home. 

“What the hell Bellamy?” She charged in, the angry seeping out of her. “You sure as hell never deserved Clarke before this, but now you can pull this shit? What gives?” He sighed, exhausted with himself, tired of being himself. He collapsed on the couch.

“I suppose that means she told you.”

“Yeah she told me, but I had to fight it out of her after she’d spent two weeks in my guest room. I can barely get her to eat, let alone get out of that bad.” She groaned. “Why the hell would you do that to my best friend?” He shrugged, and she glared at him, offering a nice gesture behind her back as she moved to his bedroom. “She sent me to get more her clothes. Which is ridiculous. You should be the one ashamedly homeless after this fucking stunt you’re pulling.” 

She came out a few minutes later, a duffel bag at her side. “I swear to god, Bellamy, if you don’t fix this, and let my girl go, I will beat you within an inch of your life.” She slammed the door on her way out. 

He woke up the next day to numerous texts from each of his friends. Most of them disowning him. He supposed he deserved that. 

He went to work and fired Echo that day, saying screw it to his fears about a lawsuit. What was a couple thousand in lawyer fees on top of this pile of shit that was his life? The worst part was, he didn’t even know what to do about it. He had heard nothing from Clarke until later that night, a quick text apologizing that everyone had found out.  
Because of course she apologized. She was perfect, the epitome of all that was good in the world. And he was Bellamy. A cheater. He had destroyed the best person he had ever met. 

He went back to work after that. Took up his routine again. Started laundry for the first time in forever, made his way through the dishes and takeout boxes littered throughout the home. Their beautiful home, filled with all the memories they had made together. Everything in here screamed them. 

That couch was the one they had finally picked after months of research. Clarke had been so serious about the furniture, claiming they could only have the best, but still waiting for the best deal she could find, while still finding something that kept with the color tones of the home. That couch had hosted him on nights when he was sick, while she quietly took care of him, offering up food, changing out the blankets when he got too hot, propping up the pillows. That kitchen was them dancing and laughing while baking late at night, when his person had decided that the lady across the street hadn’t been outside enough lately, and they needed to take her a treat to cheer her up. That bed had been him holding her when she had finally gotten pregnant, only to miscarry a month later. He had stroked her hair while she cried. Her depression had only gotten worse from there. And instead of staying home more, trying to help her and take care of her, he had fled, spending more nights at the office. And Echo, seemingly wanting to help, had walked right into his life and screwed it up more then it already was. As his wife spent nights at home, sobbing into a sweatshirt that smelled like him, he had been bending Echo over a desk, whispering dirty things in her ear. 

He had destroyed such a beautiful albeit broken thing. Made the last cracks in the dam. 

She showed up after a month, holding out a folder. This had been what he was afraid of, divorce papers, damning him to a life without her. 

“Clarke, please don’t do this. I know I screwed up, but please give us the chance to fix it,” She shook her head, quiet. She had been so quiet since the miscarriage, the opposite of the women he knew before. She had taken a minor role in her life, instead watching as things happened. Had he cheated on the woman before the miscarriage, she would have gotten angry. Yelled at him until her lungs gave out. And then gotten up the next morning, and fixed it. This new woman was quiet, giving slight pushes to people instead of forcing them to bend to her will. 

She took his hand, leading him to the couch. She sat on the opposite side of him, pulling a pillow into her lap. 

“Look in the folder,” she whispered, playing with the threads on the pillow. Inside sat different research, separated by category. There was a genetic test, recommending different antidepressants that could be useful for her. A calendar with counseling appointments from the last month for her accompanied it. They were different marriage counselors outlined, on a paper that seemed to be a recommendation from whoever she was seeing now. And at the bottom of the pile, an ultrasound sat, along with a prescription from her doctor for medications to help the pregnancy. 

“You’re pregnant?” He whispered. She nodded, a tear slipping down her cheek. 

“I think we could fix this. This baby is probably worth fixing it for.” Her voice held no emotion, as though she was reciting facts for a test. 

“Yes, please, Clarke, I will do anything. I’m so sorry I did this to you.” 

“I’ll only work through this on the condition that you never do this again. I can’t take another heartbreak Bellamy. I think something else would just kill me at this point.”

He moved closer to her, holding her hand softly between his.


	2. and we tried for normalcy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just life after things were revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man I love being back writing. This has been really interesting to examine, and especially cause it's something I've thought a lot about lately. Like y'all marriage is weird. How the hell do people. Anyways, thanks for reading, I feel so honored to get to share this story with y'all!!

“Hey honey, I brought pizza home for dinner,” Bellamy called out as he unlocked the door. Clarke was where she had been, on the couch sketching, surrounded by piles of blankets. She hummed in acknowledgment without looking up. “Are you feeling any better?” He moved to sit next to her, setting the pizza down on the coffee table and moving her feet to his lap. 

“I don’t feel nauseous now. I still have the headache though. And my stomach itches. And my feet hurt,” She sighed, leaning back, “I know we went through a lot to get pregnant, but this isn’t as easy as I thought it would be.” Bellamy grabbed the lotion sitting next to the couch, rubbing it into his hands before he started massaging her feet. 

“I know princess,” She flinched, “Sorry.” He went back to rubbing her feet. They sat there in silence for another couple of minutes, both working at their respective tasks. 

It had been really awkward between the two of them the last few months. Ever since Clarke had come home he had been so cautious around her, letting her take the lead with everything they did. The counseling had opened up a whole other line of communication they didn’t realize they were missing. She had been holding so much back from him since the miscarriage, too scared of letting someone else share the weight she had been suffering. Bellamy had been so nervous around her, scared of being the cause of another breakdown. They were both shadows of who they once were. Slowly though, he had felt their relationship growing stronger and stronger. Perhaps tearing everything down to the base of the relationship would prove to create a stronger foundation for them. 

With those thoughts in his head, he placed a kiss on her ankle. She smiled up at him, taking a second away from her sketching. He continued up her leg. She swatted at him with a pillow when he licked her knee. 

“You’re disgusting,” She giggled and he felt his heart burst. He put the lotion down, moving to straddle her. He placed kisses all along her face, nibbling her ear, and eventually made his way down to her stomach, placing kisses over the swell of her belly. She smiled at him, pulling him down to her lips. 

“I love you so much,” He whispered in her ear. Her smile was all he could focus on, the pure joy there. It was worth all the months of things feeling awkward, the nights spent on opposite sides of the bed, and the occasional couch night for him. All of this was worth it at the doctors appointments when he saw his baby on that screen, when Clarke shed tears at the gender appointment, finding out they were having a girl. 

She smiled at him, impossibly wider, “I love you too.” She moved up to grab at his collar, and for way too long they kissed, teeth and smiles clashing against each other. 

They finally came up for air later, sighing in contentment as he moved to hold her in front of him. “Pizza?” He asked. She nodded and he moved to go to the kitchen, grabbing plates and two glasses of water. They spent the rest of the night watching documentaries on art in Ancient Greece, and eventually Clarke fell asleep with her head in his lap. 

“What the hell, Bellamy? You can’t just control my life all the sudden. Us being married gives you no right to try and micromanage me.” She finally breathed after the long rant. He didn’t do anything but rub his temples, sighing. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware that following the doctors orders was micromanaging you. This is my child too Clarke.” She glared at him, and pushed herself off the counter where she was sitting. “Clarke, please don’t run away, we need to talk about this.” She spun around then, with death in her eyes. 

“Just like we needed to talk about plenty of things when you decided you’d rather go off and fuck Echo?” He stared at her, stunned that she was bringing this up. 

“Clarke”

“Bellamy,” She mimicked. 

“I know it’s hard to switch between the medications but please don’t make this a bigger deal then it needs to be. What’s going on princess?” He softened, moving to hold her hand. She tore her hand out of his, glaring at him. 

“I don’t want to talk to you right now. Just leave me the hell alone Bellamy.” She stormed out of the room. He didn’t follow. 

Octavia called him later, after Clarke had called her. 

“I’m tired of playing the middleman for you and Clarke, Bell. I love both of you but god why am I getting dragged into all of your couple problems?” He just sat there, holding the phone weakly. 

“I don’t know O. I love her, it’s just so much work to keep working on all this, you know? I just feel like I’m fighting a losing battle here, like I’m just wasting my time here.”

“Seriously Bell? This is all going on because you cheated on her. Go apologize. I know this fight wasn’t really your fault, but you can’t give up on this if you really love her. Things aren’t always perfect between Lincoln and I, I’ve learned to not expect that anymore. But when you love someone, you fight like hell to keep them. If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently.” He heard little Ollie make a sound in the background. “I need to go. Love you big brother,”

“Love you,”

Clarke walked out of her office then, and looked at him, holding up a piece of paper. He moved towards her, seeing it was a sketch she had done. 

“I’m sorry for freaking out. I’m just emotionally exhausted. Moving between the medications and all these stupid hormones is just taking such a huge toll,” Her voice cracked at the end, and he caught her as she fell into his arms. 

“Shh, baby it’s okay, I got you,” He rocked her in his arms, so many things passing between the two of them, but nothing needing to be said as he just held her. “I know this isn’t easy right now. It’s not always fun, but thank you for sticking with me.” She hummed, wrapping her arms around his neck and nuzzling into his shoulder. 

Most of what went into making their home work was done together now. Clarke had commented in counseling that she had felt extremely overwhelmed with all the cleaning and felt like Bellamy rarely contributed to meals. He had had no idea before then, but immediately stepped up. It had been a huge help to work together again after feeling so separate for so long. That’s how they ended up in the grocery store. 

Clarke was preoccupied with bagging apples when Echo approached the two of them, a malicious look on her face. 

“Bellamy!” She exclaimed, throwing her arms around his neck, and even going so far as to place a kiss on his cheek. Clarke turned around at the disturbance. Echo backed away, throwing a smirk at Clarke. “I see you and Clarke are expecting. That explains why you two stayed together,”

“Echo,” Bellamy growled. But she kept on talking.

“I’d say you have that pregnancy glow, Clarke, but that just wouldn’t be truthful, you know? I’d hate to lie to you, you two already have enough of that in your marriage. Poor Bellamy, I can’t imagine he was ever that attracted to you before, but especially now that you look like a whale. I wonder where he’s getting it from.” She glanced at her watch. Bellamy scanned Clarke’s face but found nothing, just the haunting emptiness that had glazed her face for so many months before. “Well, I have to head out, but it’s great to see you Bell!” She slid a hand down his chest and he moved away from her. “Call me sometime,” She winked, and just like that, she was gone. 

Clarke stood frozen. Bellamy waited for a reaction, but nothing came. He softly grabbed the bag of apples from her hand, placing a kiss on her forehead. “What just happened?” He chuckled, but she just shook her head, grabbing the cart and moving throughout the rest of their shopping list, saying nothing to Bellamy. 

When they got to the car, he started the car before helping her into her seat. He unloaded the groceries, put the cart away, and took a breath before getting into the drivers seat. He took her hand, taking it as a positive sign that she didn’t take it back. 

“I don’t know Bellamy, I’ve just never seen the two of you together since I knew and it just hurts. Really badly. I know we’re working on moving past this, but it doesn’t mean it just goes away. Sometimes I wake up with you and don’t remember all this, and then other mornings I look at you and all I can see is the man that cheated on me. I’m just really tired of dealing with this. Seeing that homewrecker doesn’t help.” He chuckled. 

“You can call her whatever you want.”

“Nothing I call her will fix it. Besides, there aren’t enough words to describe what an awful person she is.” He chuckled again. “I just wish I could get in a boxing ring or something and beat the shit out of her. Probably wouldn’t help. But it sounds really nice.”

“You can punch me whenever you want.”

“Nah, I love you too much. And you have a really nice face. I want our kids to be able to see it in the flesh.” He laughed even harder as he turned the blinker on, pulling into their neighborhood. 

Yeah, things were good.


	3. are we happy now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some baby shower fluff with some sad stuff at the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah! I can't thank you all enough for letting me indulge in this story! This is so much fun!  
> Also if anyone would be interested in beta reading for me, I'm in desperate need lol.  
> Have a great day!!

“What is up party people!” Jasper had just welcomed himself into their house, an hour earlier than they were expecting anyone. 

“Jas, this is a baby shower. Please don’t tell me you brought vodka.” Clarke jumped off the stool she was using to place streamers, glaring at Bellamy when he opened his mouth. “I’m pregnant honey, not disabled.” Jasper laughed.

“Good to see things are getting back to normal around here,” He moved to embrace Clarke. She smiled up at him, and moved his hand to where Adelyn usually kicked. “It’s real!” He exclaimed when he felt the baby kick. Clarke giggled.

“Of course she’s real asshole. You think I was faking all that nausea? First trimester was hell,” She moved back up her stool, grabbing the tape and streamers that she had left. “You can go help Bellamy in the kitchen, I’m not entirely sure what he’s working on right now but he always need help.” Jasper laughed, doing as she suggested. 

Bellamy was brooding, had been for a few days now. But Jasper hadn’t had the chance to talk to him until now. 

“What’s going on dude? I thought things were getting better between you and Clarke. She’s happier than she has been in a long time.” He moved gracefully, picking up a piece of bacon and artfully wrapping it around the asparagus. Bellamy shrugged, avoiding the question, instead moving to turn on some music. Jasper rolled his eyes, going back to quietly doing his job. 

“No offense, but you’re not exactly the person I want to talk about this with. You couldn’t hold down a serious relationship for the life of you.” Bellamy didn’t look up from where he was chopping as he said it. He knew he was being a douchebag, but didn’t have the energy to apologize. 

“Not cool dude. You don’t get to throw low blows if you’re going to freak out everytime someone brings up your affair.” Jasper stepped back to lean against the counter, folding his arms over his chest. Bellamy grunted and rolled his eyes, putting down the knife. 

“What do you want me to say? I screwed up, I know that, I’m not stupid. But dealing with this shit all the time isn’t enjoyable,” He matched Jasper’s pose, crossing his arms. “We haven’t had sex since I told her, which I get, but god woman, I have needs to.” Jasper shook his head.

“Dude, you seriously have no leverage here. Clarke has been nothing but perfect to you this entire time, and she has no reason to still be here. Clearly no one’s reminding you of that enough.”

“That’s not the fucking problem dude! How do you think it feels to be constantly reminded of how awful I am?” A tear slipped out. “I know Clarke has been perfect, but I’m trying really hard!” Jasper just shook his head. 

“You’ve got some serious problems dude. You gotta get over this. No one thinks you’re awful. What you did was awful, you hurt our girl really bad, but it doesn’t make you awful. And we all recognize the efforts you’re making and your fucking ‘sacrifices’ but you need to stop looking at yourself like the victim here. You made your bed, and now you and Clarke have to sleep in it. How do you think she feels?” He shook his head one more time before going back to the living room to help Clarke with decorations. 

She was standing right outside the kitchen door, trying to look inconspicuous. “Oops?” She offered, holding her hands up, palms toward the roof. 

Jasper just chuckled. “You have to stop babying him sometime. Otherwise this isn’t going to end well. And you’re carrying one really huge reason to work this out.”

“Yeah. I guess. I don’t know. He just goes through all these ups and downs, I never have any idea what to expect.” He pulled her into his side. 

“You don’t have to stay Clarke. It’s up to you. No one would blame you if you divorced his sorry ass.” He murmured. She grinned, leaning into him. 

“I love you Jasper.”

“Love you too, my little penguin.” She pulled away. 

“What did you just call me?”

“You know, short people, when their pregnant, they look like cute little penguins that just waddle around.” He tucked his arms into his side, demonstrating. 

She giggled, “You are such a weirdo.”

“And you’re going to be a fantastic mother.” She hugged him. “It’s going to be okay Clarkey, whatever happens, you’ve got a whole gang of weirdos that’ll catch you. 

She pulled away, “Help me with these streamers you sap,” He obliged her. 

Twenty minutes later, Bellamy burst through the kitchen door. “Babe, I gotta run to the store, do you want to go with me?” She shook her head. 

“I’ve got way too many things to put up, and Jasper’s more distracting then helpful.” She motioned to him standing in the corner, drawing on a poster, covered in streamers. They both laughed, and he kissed her forehead.

“I’m sorry I’ve been such a pain lately. I promise I’m trying.” She offered a small smile. 

“One day at a time.”

“One day at a time,” He repeated before grabbing his keys and heading out the garage. 

Everyone started arriving around four, and Bellamy wasn’t back yet. Clarke shot a quick text asking where he was. He replied instantly, saying he’d be back in ten minutes. 

Octavia and Lincoln arrived with Ollie, picture perfect as usual. Octavia pulled Clarke into a long embrace. “I love you so much, sister.” Clarke was already pretty emotional with all her closest friends and family here, but man if that didn’t squeeze at her heart. 

“I love you too Octavia. I can never thank you enough for being there for me through all this.” 

Octavia just held her tighter. “Of course, that’s what sisters do when husbands suck.” They chuckled together before Clarke moved to hug Lincoln, and pick up Ollie. 

“How are you doing little man?”

He crossed his arms, “Mommy says you’re making me a cousin. Where is he?” Everyone laughed. 

“She, should be here in about a month,” She set him down and he ran to the backyard, as per usual. “That kid is so yours,” She shook her head, a huge smile on her face. 

Clarke felt arms wrap around her from behind. She leaned back into Bellamy’s chest, watching content as her friends placed gifts on the table. They all were so comfortable even if it was technically Bellamy and Clarke’s space, and she couldn’t have asked for anything else in life. 

“Will you go start on the burgers?” She whispered as she leaned her head back. 

“Of course love.” He placed a kiss on her forehead, then moved to the deck out back. Raven came up to her then, handing her a champagne glass with sparkling cider. 

Clarke took a sip. “Mmm,” she moaned. “That’s good.”

“You’re getting too desensitized without alcohol or caffeine girl.” Clarke laughed at that as Raven pulled her into the living room, squishing her onto her couch. Monty and Harper had already taken over Mario Kart, Harper even going so far as to let Jordan try and figure out how to play. Roan sat in the corner, talking politics with Murphy. Despite having similar views, their discussions could get really heated. Emori sat in his lap, content to watch Monty and Harper playing. Lincoln was out back with Bellamy. After chatting with everyone and playing a few rounds of mario kart, she headed out back to chat with Bellamy.

She found him tossing Ollie up in the air and catching him, only to shower his face in giggles and his stomach in tickles. She leaned against the house, just enjoying seeing him. He turned around, whispering in Ollie’s ear, before both of them bombarded her in tickles. 

“Stop it!” She laughed.

Bellamy put Ollie down, opening the sliding glass door, and shooing him inside. He turned around to Clarke. 

“Okay, so, I got you two presents for today. But the first one is completely contingent upon if you want it or not. This is just a suggestion, okay?” She nodded, albeit confused. He tucked her hair behind her ear before pulling out his phone. He opened up his photos, moving to show her the screen. He swiped through photos of a beautiful cabin surrounded by tons of evergreen trees. 

“I don’t get it,” She spoke as he continued to swipe through.

“I thought that maybe we could take a weekend away, and renew our vows. It can just be us, or we can invite our family. It’s totally up to you. We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want. I just owe you so much Clarke. You’ve given me so much that I don’t deserve, and you’ve put up with way more than someone as incredible as you should have to.” He looked at her shyly, but she just threw her arms around him. 

“I’d love that Bell. Thank you.”

He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her as close to him as he could manage with her belly. 

“Let’s head inside, I’m sure everyone’s hungry,”

“Mmhm,” She agreed. 

They walked inside together, and Clarke felt unified with her husband for the first time in a long time. 

“It’s present time bitches!!”

“Octavia!! Ollie and Jordan are here, keep the swear words to a minimum,” Harper reprimanded. Octavia just rolled her eyes. 

“You’re such a mom,” She grumbled. 

Everyone laughed and then proceeded to bombard Clarke and Bellamy with presents. Harper had stopped at the store to grab Clarke a plastic crown and pink sash stating ‘Birthday Girl’ even if it didn’t fit the occasion. They were all a sight squished together in Clarke and Bellamy’s living room, with Clarke sitting on Bellamy’s lap with her ridiculous crown on. 

Ollie and Jordan ran up to them first. “Open ours!”

Clarke opened it to find gift cards from their parents, and drawing from the boys. Bellamy and Clarke picked both boys up, taking time to tickle and thank them. Octavia handed them their present next, it was tons of beautifully wrapped baby onesies, and a pair of booties that Clarke cried when she opened. 

Harper and Monty had bought them various necessities for the first few months, teething helps, different eco and baby friendly shampoos and washes, with promises to help them with anything they needed.

Jasper for some reason had bought them lingerie. Octavia and Raven hooted when she opened it, but she just blushed bright red. 

“Um, we haven’t, I mean…” She trailed off, but Bellamy saved her. 

“Spicing things up Jordan, I like it,” He winked, whispered an apology in Clarke’s ear. “Thanks Jasper.”

“Hey, I may not have a kid, but I’m well aware that Harper and Monty haven’t had sex since Jordan.” Monty swatted at him with a pillow, and Harper just blushed. “I’m just kidding you guys!!”

“Is it cake time? I think it’s cake time,” Octavia commented. 

Bellamy intervened, “Um, actually, I have something for Clarke.”

“Aw, babe,” She turned around in his lap, giving him a kiss. He lifted her up in his arms, and she squealed as he headed towards the nursery. Inside she found a beautiful white crib, with various paints around the room. 

“The paints are for you. I thought you might enjoy painting something in her room.” He noticed her tears and moved right to her side, “Baby, what’s wrong?”

“You’re so thoughtful.”

He grinned, “Anything for my girls.”

“Where on earth did you find this crib? This is exactly what I wanted, I think I even sketched it somewhere,” He smiled at her.

“Lincoln helped me make it.” The man in question waved from the doorway. She looked up at him. 

“Thank you both. This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

Later, they were both in bed. Bellamy was working on some schoolwork, and Clarke was starting a book Octavia had brought over that she recommended. 

“Babe?” Bellamy asked. 

“Hmm?”

“Wanna try out Jasper’s gift?” He smirked at her.

She rolled her eyes, trying to stick with the humor. 

“I’m not there yet Bellamy. Just, give me some time, okay?” They left it at that for a few minutes, but Bellamy brought it up again. 

“It’s been nearly eight months Clarke. How long do you expect me to wait?” She huffed at him, deciding that silence was better. “Fine, I’m sleeping on the couch tonight.”

“Have fun!” She yelled, “Why don’t you just go fuck Echo as well?”

He turned around, “Maybe I will!” He slammed their door, grabbing a blanket from the basket in the living room. 

Things were so close. They were so close to being back where they were. Better then where they were, even. And he had to go and ruin it by bringing up sex. Maybe he was an awful person.


	4. distractions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of flashbacks here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I'm addicted to writing this. As always, thank you so much for reading this!! Y'all are incredible.  
> Also my heart is tied to this chapter. It's so sad to write this y'all

Maybe it would be better to adopt Adelyn out. This beautiful thing didn’t deserve them as parents. They were a mess. She was perfect. She could show up anytime now, really, even if Clarke wasn’t due for another month. That didn’t mean she didn’t live in constant fear that Addy would show up early.

Another, selfish, part of her wanted this baby to be here now. She was so scared after her last failed pregnancy. Until her baby girl was in her arms, alive and breathing, she didn’t dare believe she’d get to keep her.

And then there was the part of her that thought this would fix their marriage. She had gotten to a point where she believed that a baby would give them selfless to work on, to give everything to. Her counselor had said otherwise. In Luna’s words: “You can’t start that child’s life depending on it to solve your problems. That’s going to start a long life of borderline abuse for that child. It’s not what you’re doing directly, but it could indirectly turn into that.”

So, with all these fabulous feelings, along with pregnancy hormones, and an aching back, she got up at three in the morning. She found Bellamy on the couch, but wasn’t quite happy enough with him to wake him up and offer the bed. Besides, it would probably just end in another fight. She was in too much pain to deal with that. So, she painted.

Clarke dragged her stool in from the garage, gathered the rest of her supplies, and painted.

“It’s stunning Clarke,” he commented. “Is it us?”

“Yeah,” she sighed, unable to take her eyes off it. “Do you remember that night we went stargazing? Like five years ago?” He nodded, and she caught it with the corner of her eye. “That’s what I based the background off of.”

“It’s incredible. I’m so glad you did this.”

“Me too.”

“Are you going to name it?”

“The Princess and her King. They’re really happy. And they don’t have any problems. It’s just them and the stars.” She sighed. “I’m just tired of fighting Bellamy. I don’t have the energy for it anymore.” He moved from his place on the wall.

“Can I hold you?” He asked, holding his arms out to her. She fell right into him, taking the spot she was meant to have in his life. “We’re making progress baby. I know it feels really hard at times, but we’ve had some good times right?” She nodded against his chest. “I’m sorry for what I brought up last night. I love you.” She looked up at him then, a mischievous look on her face.

“Wanna try out Jasper’s present now?” She wiggled her eyebrows at him, and he was pretty sure he squeaked.

“I mean, sure princess, hell, whatever you want,” She giggled at him, leading him to their bedroom.

“Wait here,” she said as she disappeared into their closet.

_____________________________________

“Holy hell Clarke, this is beyond awkward,” he said from between her legs, “Just relax baby, I’ve got you, okay?” She nodded, but he could still feel how tense she was. “Honey, we really don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

“Should I just blow you?” She said tersely.

“Clarke?” She was gripping the sheets and staring up at the ceiling. “Darling, I’m sorry you feel like you have to do this. I shouldn’t have said anything last night.”

He grabbed his shirt, offering it to her. She gladly took it, pulling it over herself. He pulled her hair through the shirt, softly placing it along her back, leaving his hand there, softly rubbing in circles. He felt her relax, and sighed. It was embarrassing that he couldn’t go down on his wife without her having a near panic attack. God, he knew he had messed up. But she was afraid of him when he was just trying to provide pleasure.

“I’m so sorry Bell,” She was full on crying now, her body shaking. “That wasn’t how that was supposed to go. I just couldn’t stop thinking that the last time you had done that it was with Echo.”

He looked at her curiously for a second. “No it wasn’t,” His head cocked to the side. “Oh my god, Clarke, I haven’t even told you everything. Oh my god. Can I tell you what happened?” She nodded. “How can I make you more comfortable?”

She shrugged, “Hot chocolate and pants might be nice,” He chuckled, placing a kiss on her hand before he got up to head to the kitchen.

“I’ll be right back,” He promised.

__________________________________  
Last April  
_“Bellamy?” Echo called from the door to his office._  
_He didn’t look up, just hummed in acknowledgment._

_“You’ve been working late every night for a week. What’s going on?” He put his pen down on the desk, looking up at her, in another one of those tiny skirts she’d been wearing for… about a week now._

_“Life, Echo. Go home,” He sighed in exasperation. She didn’t, just walked fully into his office, taking a seat on his desk._

_“No.” She stated. And damn, her skirt was bunching up and._

_Bellamy, He reprimanded himself._

_“Get out of my office, Echo,” He growled at her._

_“You’re so tense Bellamy. Let me help you out.” And all of the sudden, she was on her knees in front of him. His chair flew back as he stood up._

_“Get the hell out of my office, Echo,” He walked back to his computer, closing it down, slammed his chair back into place before he stormed out. “Lock up when you leave, and hope I don’t fire you for sexual assault.”_

_Clarke was still in bed when he got back home. “Hi honey,” he greeted. “Did you go to work today?” He kneeled down in front of where she was turned. She shook her head, just pulling him into bed beside her._

_“Will you hold me?” She asked, soft and mild._

_“Of course baby. Do you want me to change?” She shook her head again, and he slipped into bed beside her. It had been like this for three months now. He had no idea what to do. He didn’t feel like he could go and ask anyone else, it wasn’t fair to share anything that Clarke didn’t want shared. And then there was the fact that she refused to see a doctor. She hadn’t been to work in three months. He wasn’t worried about finances, she was more than welcome to stay home. He made more than enough for both of them, something he would be forever grateful for, having seen his mom work several jobs to keep them afloat. But he saw his wife slipping away day by day and it scared him._

_“How can I help you Clarke?” He had asked this before, but it usually never got a response._

_“I don’t know Bellamy,” She sighed. “Help me forget for a little bit?”_

_He nodded, and soon he had her moaning and writhing beneath him. It probably wasn’t the healthiest way of coping, but if he could see his girl worry about nothing for some time, it was worth it. He would give up anything for this woman. She had him wrapped around her finger,and yet he doubted she had any idea how far he would go for her._

“Bell?” She asked. He shook his head, back in the present.

“Here you go honey,” He handed her the hot chocolate, cuddling up in their bed. “God, where do I even start with this Clarke? More apologies?” She just shrugged.

“I haven’t done this before.”

_“Me either,” And so he started at the beginning, with that first time._

_“Bellamy?” Echo quietly knocked on his office door. He rolled his eyes._

_“What Echo?”_

_“Can I come in?”_

_“I’m working Echo.”_

_“I know.” She invited herself in anyways. “I’m really sorry about the other night. I’m just a caretaker, you know? And seeing someone that I care about under so much pressure worried me, so I thought I could offer to help. I’m not sure what’s going on at home, but know I’m here for you, okay?” She brought her arm from behind her back then holding out a plate of cookies. “I made ‘I’m sorry I came onto you cookies’.”_

_He was fucked._

_He held himself off for a few more weeks, while she showered him with more gifts. She had offered to take him out to lunch a few times, but he had politely declined. But the guilt built up, and soon he felt cornered in every corner of his life. He felt helpless when it came to Clarke, and here was Echo, so kind and caring, offering to help._

_And so three weeks after the cookie incident, he found himself in his chair, pants around his ankles, Echo’s mouth around his cock. And all of the sudden he was pushing her away, tucking his half hard dick back into his pants, pushing his hair back from his face._

_“This can’t happen again Echo.” He didn’t even waste another look at her as he raced as far as he could away from her and that office._  
_-_ \-----------------------------------

“Was that why you stayed home with me that day in May?” He nodded, guilt etching onto his face.

“Clarke, I am so sorry.” She just nodded.

“Is there more?” He nodded, and she gestured for him to continue.

\-----------------------------------------  
_That day had been perfect. Clarke had been like herself again. She had blasted music in the kitchen while he twirled her around. They had baked and baked and baked goodies of every shape and size. And then they had visited all their friends’ homes, dropping off treats. They had stopped at the neighbor lady's home, and she had gotten near tears, hugging the two of them, commenting on what a lovely couple they were. Clarke had seemingly beamed the whole day._

_He had lasted another week. Clarke had left to go to her mom’s house in the middle of the night, and Bellamy’s heart had broken. She hated her mother, and yet she would rather be with her then him._

_He had pushed his car beyond safe limits on the way to work, grabbing Echo’s wrist and dragging her into his office._

_“Bend over the desk,” He had commanded. She had obliged, gladly. As he spread her pussy wide in front of his mouth, he imagined it was blonde hair, wider hips. Hips that had carried a child for as long as they could. Their child. He imagined the giggles were his wife, created a scenario where they were okay. Where she was giggling for fear of getting caught in his office._

_She was coming so quickly, and he wasn’t ready to go back to the real world, to face what he had done. So he had unbuckled his pants, throwing them down in an instant, before slamming into her. She smirked as she sashayed out of the office._

_He broke down and cried._  
_-_ \-----------------------------------------


	5. distractions part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kind of the ending to the last chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's more of a filler. lol oops. It's really short.

_Surprisingly, Clarke was home when he finally made it home. Her eyes were puffy and red, and she was clutching a sweatshirt of his. She looked up at him with heartbreak in her eyes._

_“Why am I here anymore Bellamy?”_

_“Because you’re the best goddamn thing that has ever happened to me. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened in this godforsaken world. You are light Clarke. I promise you this is going to end someday.”_

_“Make me forget for the time being?”_

_“Of course darling.”_

_Man was he weak._

\------------------------------------------------

“I told you a week later.”

“Mmhm.” She looked back at him then, but he could still see the wheels turning in her head. Finally, “I thought it was worse than that.”

“Worse than what? Clarke, I cheated on you.”

She shrugged. “We’ve already acknowledged that Bell. But it’s mean eight months since that happened. Living in the past isn’t doing us any good. You can’t change what happened, you can’t change that it hurt me. What we can do now is get ready for the baby we have coming. We can do a vow renewal. Start fresh. Because trying to deal with last spring hasn’t done us any good. I miscarried. It hurt me really bad, I got depressed, you slept with someone else. One and a half times. We both tried to cope in the way we knew how. We fell apart. So we can either work like hell to make this work, or we give up now, because we’re finally communicating like adults, and if that doesn’t fix this, then nothing will. I lost three months of my life last year. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have anything else to waste.”

“Yeah I guess that pretty much brings us up to speed.” She nodded her head.

“Where are you casting your vote?” She asked.

“I’m all in for you Clarke.” She smiled, agreeing with him.

“While we’re in such a good space, do you have anything else you want to talk about? I just want to make sure it’s all on the table. No more lies, no more secrets. Let’s start on even ground.”

“When did you last see Echo?” He groaned.

“That awful grocery store incident. What a bitch.”

“Was she coming onto you before everything that you told me?”

He shook his head after thinking. “Nothing I was noticing. My focus slipped and I forgot I had the most wonderful woman in the world as my wife.” She giggled, jumping into his lap. “Hey, Clarke,” He tilted her chin up to look at him. “I need you to know that I am so incredibly sorry. What happened wasn’t okay, and I promise you it will never happen again.”

She nodded. “I’m not great at confrontation,” He agreed with her, nodding, “But I accept your apology. I’ve forgiven you Bellamy. But I swear to god, if you ever think about cheating on me again, I will personally chop off your favorite part,”

She got up in his face, more intense then he had seen her in forever. “Got it,” They chuckled as he held up his hands in surrender. “

I’m starving babe, go make me popcorn,” She elbowed at him, handing her mug to him, then grabbing the remote. “You good with Parks and Rec?”

He nodded eagerly as he walked back in. “God I love you so much,”


	6. quesadillas and gestures

“I brought cookies!”Octavia announced as she opened the door to their home. She handed them over to Clarke in the kitchen. “I craved these my entire pregnancy with Ollie. They’re incredible. You’ll love them.” Clarke smiled up at her. 

“You brought me more stuff? You were already coming over here to help me.” Her voice was full of fondness for her sister-in-law. 

“Just trying to make up for Bellamy’s douchbaginess,” Clarke smirked at her. 

“Things have been really good Octavia. It’s not your fault. And we’re moving past it. We had a really good talk last week. I think we’re gonna make it.” Octavia beamed. 

“That makes me so happy Clarke,” Octavia moved to embrace her. “You deserve to be happy. Both of you do.”

“Thank you Octavia.” Octavia hummed in her ear, patting her back. 

“Okay, remind me what you and Bell needed my help for?” Clarke nodded, heading towards the nursery. 

“We just need to pack our hospital bag, and we figured you’d know what to bring.” Octavia nodded. 

“Sounds legit. Is Bell here?”

“No, he’ll be home from work in about ten minutes.” Octavia nodded again. 

“Okay, so you really don’t know how long you’re going to be in the hospital, but it really should only be at most a couple of days. They’ll put you in a hospital gown, but after the baby is born you’ll probably want your own clothes. Sweats are best. Just try and be as comfortable as possible. There’s a lot going on that doesn’t feel great, whatever you can do to counteract that is best.” Clarke nodded, mentally taking note. “Do you already have your bag?”

“Um, yeah. I just have no idea where I put it.” Octavia snickered watching as Clarke moved around the room. “Found it!”

“You have newborn diapers, right?” Clarke opened the top drawer of the dresser, pulling out a pack. “Perfect! You’ll only need a few, like ten or so.” Clarke went to protest, “Clarke, don’t worry, if you need something else Lincoln and I will bring it to you. There’s no point in overpacking.”

“Okay, fine.”

The garage door opened then. “Hey honey!” They heard Bellamy call. “Is Octavia here yet?”

“We’re in the nursery, Bell,” Octavia and Clarke turned as he walked inside, a smile on his face. 

“You’re awfully happy,” Clarke commented as he wrapped her up in a hug. 

“Mmhm,” He agreed, the proceeded to place kisses all over her forehead and hairline. “I’ve got all my favorite girls right here with me. What more could I need?” She hummed into his chest. 

“Um, hi, I’m right here.” Octavia interrupted them. “Geez Bell, keep it in your pants when I’m here. Gross.” Bellamy scowled at her, and Clarke giggled, pulling away from him, still gripping his hand. 

“Okay, we’re just working on baby’s stuff. She won’t need as much coming out of the hospital. But you and I essentially are packing as if we were just going away for a few days, plus all the stuff I’ll need with the whole,” She gestured vaguely around her chest. Bellamy smirked at her, cocking an eyebrow. “Ya know,” She repeated the gesture again, and he burst out laughing. 

“Ugh Bell, she needs stuff for her boobs okay? Breastfeeding isn’t fun.” She rolled her eyes, linking arms with Clarke. “Ugh. Men.” Bellamy just laughed harder. 

Clarke swatted at him. “It’s not going to be so funny in a few weeks when you’re the only one around to hear my complaining.” He instantly stopped laughing. 

“Oh man, what have I got myself into?” He jokingly groaned. 

“It’s just you and me from now on buddy, this baby is going to be so fun,” Clarke wiggled her eyebrows at her husband. 

“Okay lovebirds, we’ve got packing to do!” Octavia clapped her hands as she announced it. Bellamy pulled up Clarke’s favorite playlist at the moment. They spent the next hour making packing lists, and checking them. Three times. 

“Clarke,” He groaned, “We’re going to be fine. If you make me check the lists and the bags one more time I think I might lose my mind.” Octavia just grimaced at her, agreeing. 

“I just want to make sure we have everything when it happens, you know? We could be stranded at the hospital for longer than normal. What if we don’t have enough clothes? What if I smell really bad and she already hates me because I’ve been wearing the same pair of sweats for the last few days, all because we didn’t check the lists again?” Bellamy looked at Octavia, and she took the hint, walking out of their room. 

“Come here babe.” He sat on the edge of their bed, enveloping her in his arms and she sat on his lap. “I know this is scary,” He pushed a piece of her hair out of her face, then placed his hand on her stomach. “But I promise you it’s going to be okay.” She wrapped her arms around his neck, leaning her head on his shoulder. 

“What if this baby doesn’t make it too Bell? What if she’s stillborn? Anything could happen. What if she hates us for having her right now? What if it’s too early for this to be happening?”

“Princess, she’s been healthy at every appointment, okay?” He kissed her cheek. “Something could happen, and if it does I’ll be right there for you. But you don’t need to worry about anything the doctor hasn’t told you to worry about. You’re body has done so many incredible things these last couple of months. Be proud of that baby.” He rubbed his hand through her hair. “And if she hates us, then she has a horrible taste in parents. We’re gonna be bomb parents. And you’ll make an incredible mother. Okay?” She sighed against his chest. 

“Okay.”

“Are we okay to stop packing now?” He asked softly. 

“Yeah. Thank you Bell,” He kissed the top of her head. 

“Of course honey.” He sat there holding her for a few more minutes before either of them said anything. 

“Bell?”

“Hmm?”

“Can we go to bed? I’m tired.” He nodded, carefully lifting her, gently setting her onto the bed. 

“Let me go talk to Octavia, okay? Then I’ll come to bed.” She nodded, eyes already closed, clutching a pillow tightly. He smiled at his wife, content.

Octavia hugged him as soon as he walked out. “Keep taking care of our girl Bell. We are all rooting for the two of you.”

“Thanks, O. You can head out now, thanks for stopping by.” She smiled, waving at him from her car as he stood at the door. 

He crawled into bed by Clarke, pulling her into his chest. “We’ve built something really beautiful Clarke.” 

“Hmm. Yeah we have.”

“Thanks for staying with me.” She smiled, placed her arms over his where they covered her belly. 

“Goodnight Bell.”

  
  


Bellamy: Is your mom going to stay with us after we bring baby home

Clarke: I’m not sure, I’ll shoot her a text

Bellamy: k thanks, just trying to figure out what groceries to grab

Clarke shot him back a thumbs up, heading into the bathroom for the millionth time today. First trimester had been hell, but this was somehow worse. She was simultaneously exhausted with the urge to clean and decorate the nursery. Her back hadn’t stopped hurting in a good month, and she could barely sleep. She was due in a week, so both her and Bellamy were on high alert, expecting her to go into labor at a moments notice. When he wasn’t at work, he was home with her, today a rare exception. No one had been grocery shopping in two weeks, and Clarke had lost any motivation to do anything except clean or sleep. She wanted this baby out of her more than anything. At her last appointment she had begged to be induced, and the doctor had just chuckled, saying they couldn’t do that. Bellamy had been fantastic, fulfilling every thing on her list for him around the house. All the guests rooms were ready, and most importantly, so was the nursery. She was simultaneously giddy and frustrated. 

She sat down at her office, pulling her phone out in front of her. She found their group chat labeled ‘family’ and sent out a text to everyone.    
  


Clarke: hey guys! We’ve officially hit the one week mark till baby (hopefully) gets the heck out of my uterus. We’ll let you know when we head to the hospital, y’all are welcome to come, but if anyone’s getting sick or has allergies, please wait until you’re feeling better. Love you guys

Raven: wow clarke ever the lady here

Harper: let us know if you need anything<3

Monty: ^^^

Octavia: ollie’s freaking out

She giggled, throwing her head back. “Oh!” She immediately leaned, gripping her stomach. “Bellamy!” She called, forgetting he wasn’t there. She sat it out for another minute or so, and then leaned back again. 

She moved up, groaning as she placed a hand on her back. _Jasper was right about the_ _penguin walk._ She walked into the bathroom, grabbing a bottle of bubble bath. She turned the water on, and realized she couldn’t bend over to reach the plug. Clarke groaned again. 

Bellamy walked in behind her then. “What’s going on?” He crossed his arms leaning into the doorway. 

“I can’t reach the freaking plug for the tub and I just wanted to take a bath!” She reached up to rub at her temples. He placed a hand on her lower back, reaching over to screw the plug in. He swept her hair behind an ear, placed a kiss on the side of her face. “Mm. That’s better.”

He continued kissing her, tracing her jaw, making his way back to her ear. He tugged on her lobe with his teeth and she squealed. He quieted her by sucking on her pulse point. 

He pulled away, and she groaned. He squeezed her ass, “Do you want me to get anything for your bath? I can bring you dinner.” She nodded at that.

“I’m hungry, but I’m also horny. But I also think I had a contraction thing earlier and I don’t know if we can have sex while I’m kind of in labor.” He chuckled. “But it could also be one of those fake contractions.” She threw her head back. “This is the literal wor - OH!” She repeated the earlier action of collapsing over her belly. 

“Shit, babe, when was the contraction?” He asked after she pulled back up. 

“Thirty minutes or so ago. It’s probably just early stages.” He rubbed her back again. 

“Let’s get you in the bath, okay? I’ll go make dinner once you’re good.” He helped her, pulling her shirt over her head. He turned her around, placing a kiss on her belly, reaching down to pull off the stretch pants she had been wearing. She stepped out of them, and he proceeded to help her with her panties and bra. He placed a kiss on both her breasts before taking her hand and she stepped into the bath water. She leaned back, moaning at the relief that hit instantly. “You are so beautiful,” He enunciated each word with a kiss on her shoulders. 

“I don’t want you to leave, but I’m also starving,” He smirked at her, standing up. 

“I’ll just make something quick, I’ll be right back.” He grabbed tortillas and cheese out of the kitchen, grabbing a pan and turning the stove on. 

His phone rang, and he grabbed it out of his back pocket to see who it was. He figured it might be Clarke, but it wasn’t someone in his contacts. 

He answered it, placing it between his shoulder and ear. “Hello?”

“Bellamy, it’s Echo,” His eyes widened and he dropped the phone on instinct. 

_ What the hell? _


	7. and suddenly, there were three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahh our fav babe is here yall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHA YALL THOUGHT I WAS GONNA END MY FLUFF. not today. give it a few weeks though lol this aint gonna last. also personally have never had a child, so no idea what labor or hospital crap is like. this is all a guesstimate be nice to me

Clarke was half asleep when he walked in, a quesadilla on a plate. He kneeled down next to her, softly brushing her hair back from her face. Her eyelashes fluttered, and she opened them fully. He handed the plate to her, along with a towel. 

She moaned after taking the first bite, “You’re my favorite person ever,” He smiled next to her, still brushing hands through her hair. When she finished, she tugged at his shirt. “Get in with me.” He chuckled, pulling the shirt over his head, and standing up to pull his boxers and pants off. She moved forward and he slipped in behind her, pulling her flush against his chest. 

“Echo just called me. I have no idea how she got my phone number.” She pulled his arms tighter around her then. 

“I don’t like that very much.” He moved his hands up and down her arms, trying to comfort her. 

“I’m sorry. I figured it’d be better to tell you sooner rather than later.” She hummed. 

“What did she have to say?” 

“I have no idea, I dropped the phone when she said it was her.” He could feel her rolling her eyes without really needing to see it. “Clarke?”

“What?” Her tone was short, irritated. 

“Clarke, I’m trying to be honest with you,” He pulled her closer to him, and she gasped, feeling his hard length against her back. “Lest you forget that you are everything I need.”

“How do I know you’re not just some horny boy?” Her tone was joking, and he smiled. 

“How do you feel?”

“About what?”

“The Echo thing.” She pulled his hand up with hers, kissing his palm. 

She shrugged. “I overreacted. Sorry, it just probably won’t ever be easy to remember. Or think about. Or acknowledge. I know everyone says forgive and forget, but I just don’t think it’s possible to just forget. And we’re still working on trust.” 

He hummed in her ear, then smirked, tugging on her ear lobe. She moaned as he kissed all along her jawline and neck. 

“Bell, stop it, I really don’t know how far we can go right now.” He could hear her desperation in her voice, and murmured an apology in her ear. They sat for a few minutes, but then she jerked up, turning around to him. “Bell, we’re in labor.” He chuckled. 

“Kind of. We’ll see if the contractions keep coming okay? Don’t freak out baby.” She nodded, then moving to get up. She pulled him up with her, and they both dressed for bed. He watched as she took extra time putting her hair up, wincing twice as she sat in front of the mirror. 

He softly led her to their bed, wrapping her in his arms. 

  
  


Bellamy was exhausted, clearly. He never fell asleep before her, and she couldn’t figure out if it was on purpose or if her just genuinely had a hard time falling asleep. All she knew tonight, was that she wanted nothing more then to sleep, but her stupid stomach kept doing the weird cramp thing. She wasn’t timing the contractions at this point, but she was pretty sure her water had just broken. She sat in the beds for a few minutes after, trying to find the motivation to get up. Eventually she made it to the bathroom, her suspicions confirmed. She swore under her breath when she had to attempt to put underwear on. Another contraction hurt, and it was the worst one yet. 

“Bell! Wake the fuck up, we’re going to the hospital.” She called from the bathroom, storming into their bedroom. She chucked a pillow at his face when he still wasn’t awake. He groaned, swearing. 

“What the hell Clarke?”

“We’re going to the hospital. I’m done with this shit,” He threw his legs over the side of the bed, grabbing a shirt. She had another contraction hit while she was walking to the garage. He moved to her side, still unused to his role in this. 

“Babe, how often are they coming?” She shrugged when it was over, essentially throwing herself into the passenger side of the car. 

“Too often. This is the worst day of my life. I just wanted to sleep,” He couldn’t help but smirk at her. Clarke repaid him with a slap on his arm. 

“Holy shit princess, that’s gonna bruise. Did your pregnancy strength just hit?” She glared at him again, and he chuckled, turning the car on. 

With some urges to “Fucking drive Bellamy, I’m gonna be so pissed if I have a baby in this car” they were at the hospital in record time. She was a force walking inside, only stopping once to mutter curses as another contraction hit. He offered to carry her in, and she nearly socked him in the face. 

Bellamy watched in awe as she made her way to the front desk, demanding a room, because “I’m about to drop a baby from my vagina,”. The lady at the front desk just started back at her until Clarke broke. “Fine, pretty please?”  
  


Within minutes they were admitted, and he sat at her side, holding her hand. She hated needles, but had begged for the epidural as soon as they got in. Their doctor was there surprisingly quickly, considering they weren’t expecting the baby tonight. Everything was a blur, from Clarke squeezing his hand as they walked in with the epidural ready, to him urging her to smile, for the group chat. 

The photo was beautiful. Her hair was in her ever elegant messy bun, the hospital gown making her look like a princess. The smile on her face glowed. He couldn’t stop looking at it. He had told her as much, and she had rolled her eyes, telling him to stop being such a sap. 

In what felt like no time at all, nurses were rushing in and out, the doctor urging her to push. Tears were streaming down her face, and he felt hopeless holding her hand, whispering hints of memories in her ear, pushing hair back from her face. 

“Bell,” She cried, giving another push. “I love you so much. I hope you know that,” He nodded, because of course he knew that. What other women would have stood by his side throughout all of this, resilient despite all of it. And suddenly it clicked in his head. 

“No, no, no, baby, you’re going to be okay.” He gave her a tight smile, gripping her hand. “We’re gonna be okay honey. You me and this baby are leaving this hospital.” She nodded, groaning as she was commanded to push again. And all of the sudden, they were asking if he wanted to catch the baby. He looked to Clarke and she nodded. And in an instant, he felt more love for something so small then he had ever felt. Everything in the room quieted. It was just him, and Clarke, and a beautiful baby, looking curiously around the room. She was swept from his hands as soon as she was there, nurses promising to bring her back after she was cleaned up. They nodded, and he moved to the chair by Clarke’s bed. 

She was leaning against the pillows, eyes closed. He asked the nurse for a wet washcloth, and he moved to wipe the drying sweat off her face. She hummed her appreciation, still not opening her eyes.  
  


“You okay?” He asked quietly. 

“I will be when they bring my baby back,” She tried to sit up, and helped her rearrange the pillows. “My body hurts Bell,” He rubbed his thumb along the back of her hand. 

“I know honey. It’ll feel better soon. Pinky promise,” She chuckled lightly, and then a nurse walked in, cradling their child. Clarke shed a few tears as the newborn was placed on her chest.The two parents stood there, awestruck for a few moments. 

“Wow.”

“I know.” Bellamy proceeded to pull out his phone, snapping pictures from every angle that he could, never wanting to forget this moment. He sent a few to their group chat, quickly placing the phone on the nightstand. Clarke moved over in the bed, and he sat down before pulling her onto his lap, leaning back. 

“She’s beautiful Princess.” Clarke nodded, still staring at the child in her arms. 

“Worth every second of hell that pregnancy gave me.” He chuckled, reaching up to tap each one of her toes, counting them over and over again. A soft knock reached their ears, and they noticed that there were still nurses moving in and out of the room. Abby opened the door, Marcus following behind. 

“Hi guys,” Abby whispered. She held out the copious amounts of presents in her hands, and Clarke gestured to the one empty tables in the room. “How did everything go?”

Abby and Marcus took seats in the chairs next to the bed as Clarke recounted the last 24 hours of their lives. Bellamy squeezed her arm every now and again, still entranced by the beauty that was their baby. Her eyes had stayed wide open the entire time, using what little muscles she had to try and look around the room. When she let out a tiny yawn, Clarke and Bellamy lost it, both recounting the scene to anyone that would listen. Abby and Marcus sat content in the corner, watching the two of them. As the excitement of the yawn wore off, Bellamy slowly slipped out of the bed, and Clarke handed him Adelyn. He cooed at her, playing with her hands, as she slowly drifted to sleep. He lightly placed her in the rolling cart they had been instructed to use when she slept. Clarke watched adoringly as he interacted with her, more tears slipping down her cheeks. 

Abby and Marcus excused themselves when everyone showed up. Clarke and Bellamy quickly shushed them, and their friends gathered around Adelyn, adoringly staring at her. 

Octavia was without Lincoln, having left him with Ollie and Jordan, so everyone else could be here. “She’s stunning Clarke. Great job.” Normally, Clarke would have scoffed, but she could only find herself smiling even wider. Bellamy squeezed her shoulder. 

“Great job, babe.” She smiled up at him, her eyes gleaming. Her pulled her back into his lap, and their friends gathered around as Bellamy told the story of Clarke waking him up with a pillow to the face. They all giggled lightly, trying to not wake the baby. When she ultimately did, Clarke rocked her, soothing the small cries that she had produced. When she calmed down, they passed her around, introducing their child to their family. 

Clarke never wanted to forget it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still need a beta reader if anyone is interest:) hehe thanks so much


	8. I've never heard silence quite this loud

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to parents, whatever form that takes in your life. 
> 
> Also struggling with writing this right now in case you can't tell. Just a couple weird scenes to get over and then we'll be rolling I think.

It had been a week since Abby left, and Clarke swore she hadn’t slept since. Her mother was constantly reminding her to sleep when the baby sleeps, Clarke, it’s the only time you’ll get. But she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Her house was a mess and the yard needed mowed and Bellamy had been so busy catching up from the days missed for Adelyn’s birth and had barely been home. She couldn’t recall the last time since she had eaten, and she was pretty sure she had experienced two panic attacks since Abby left. 

Things weren’t okay. 

Her only saving grace was that Echo supposedly hadn’t called Bellamy since that incident. Personally, she thought he needed to block the number, but he hadn’t done that, just said he would let her know if she called again. Clarke hadn’t said anything about wanting him to block the number, she didn’t want to seem overbearing, or like she didn’t trust him. 

But she really didn’t. Honestly, if she thought about it, this wasn’t over to her. She’d be doing something random like putting groceries away or feeding the baby and it would just hit, that he had  _ cheated on her _ . And holy fuck the pain was still as powerful. 

Adelyn was a whole other issue. This baby was near perfect based on the stories she had heard. She took long naps and slept most of the night, ate well, and barely cried. But Clarke didn’t feel the same as she had while they were in the hospital. She loved her baby, but something felt so off, and she couldn’t help but think it was her fault. 

Adelyn was down for a nap, so Clarke jumped in the shower, scrubbing what felt like a week’s worth or grime and spit up out of her hair. And all of the sudden she was sobbing. She knelt down in the shower, holding herself as the water poured over her. She gasped for air, reaching around the shower for something to hold onto. The ringing in her ears only increased when she realized there wasn’t anything, and all of the sudden Bellamy was coming home, finding a baby crying in her bassinet, finding Clarke in the shower, glaring at her, leaving her alone and raising the baby with _ Echo _ . 

_ Breathe, Clarke, breathe, that baby needs you _ . She coached herself, praying it would work. When she was calm enough to move, she scrambled out of the shower, grabbing her phone and finding a mediation her counselor had recommended for the panic attacks. She sat on the bathroom floor, naked, except for a towel as she played it over, slowly feeling herself calming. Her eyes were closed, and she didn’t see Octavia and Ollie walk into the bathroom. Octavia quickly sent Ollie outside, and moved to her knees by Clarke. 

Clarke didn’t react to the arms enveloping her, just let out another sob, albeit controlled this time. Octavia led her back to the shower, helping her wash the shampoo out of her hair. Clarke was silent as Octavia filled her mind with stories from work the last week. She was a therapist part time, since Ollie had come. 

Octavia helped her pull clothes on, and then tucked her into her bed, demanding that she sleep.

When Bellamy came home, Octavia was still there. She was working her way through the chaos that was the kitchen, and Ollie was playing with Adelyn on the floor. 

“Where’s Clarke?” Octavia rolled her eyes at him. 

“I get that you took a couple of days off for the baby, but coming home at 7, Bellamy? Really?” He went to apologize, but she cut him off. “Save it for your wife. We all know you can work from home for catch up work. She’s sleeping in your room, don’t wake her up, I don’t think she’s sleeping or eating well. Which you would notice. If you were home.” Bellamy glared at her. 

“Get out of my house O.” She just countered another glare at him, matching his intensity, folding her arms over her chest. 

“Why are you staying so late Bellamy? How do you think she feels about that? You think it’s just fine to stop communicating or you know, being home, because the affair was months ago?” 

“Get the fuck out of my home O. I’m not kidding.” She sighed, going and kneeling next to Ollie and Adelyn, quietly explaining that it was time to leave Aunt Clarke and Uncle Bell’s house. She wrapped Adelyn in a blanket, and handed her to Bellamy. 

“I found Clarke having a panic attack in the middle of a shower Bellamy. Take care of your family for goodness sake.” She pulled Ollie onto her waist, and he played with her necklace. “There’s a week’s worth of dinners in the freezer, but you need to go grocery shopping and get breakfast and lunch stuff. Clarke can’t feed a baby if she isn’t eating.” 

“Thanks O.” 

“I’m not doing this for you.”

He rocked Adelyn for a few minutes, before she fell asleep, and he placed her in the bassinet. Clarke was softly breathing in the bed. He didn’t know if it was better to leave her sleeping or wake her up. He decided that she needed sleep more, based off of what Octavia said, and went back into the kitchen. He threw a casserole in the oven, and made a list of everything he needed to buy. 

Clarke darted out of their bedroom then, her eyes red rimmed. “Oh my god, honey, I’m so sorry. Octavia had me go to sleep and I didn’t realize what time it was.” She slowed down, and looked around the house. “Did you clean everything up? You really didn’t have to do that, I promise I was going to get to it. Are you hungry? I can cook.”

“You had a panic attack earlier?” He was quiet. She nodded, gazing down. “How many panic attacks have you had since we brought Adelyn home?”

“Three.” He sighed, exasperated. 

“Have you talked to your counselor about it?”

“Oh yeah, Bell, I definitely have gone to my counselor since I had a baby. You know, with all my free time.” She threw her hands up, moving to get the vacuum out of the closet. “I don’t want to talk right now. Can you go somewhere else?” He took a deep breath, trying to not overreact.

He held up the grocery list. “I’ll go to the store.” She turned on the vacuum, and he took that as her answer. 

Clarke finished everything that Octavia had started. She even pumped, freezing milk for later. For the time being, Clarke was a lot less overwhelmed. She didn’t count on it lasting longer than the night though. 

Life had been a roller coaster since Adelyn came, and though she knew their lives were better for it, or would be eventually, it was still exhausting for the time being. 

All in all she just felt like she was watching life pass her by. She wasn’t going back to a job after this, they had decided it would be best for her and the family if she could stay home and just focus on her painting. Clarke had been all for this before, but now all she could think of was how she was ever going to leave this house. She saw her life going by and no leaving the house until their children were gone. 

_ One, two, three. Breathe Clarke, breathe. _ This was going to be okay. And all of the sudden she was overjoyed. She called Bellamy, and he answered nervously. “Hey honey.”

“Bell!! I just used a breathing exercise before I had another panic attack. I’m making progress, Bell.”

“I’m so proud of you baby. I’ll be home soon okay?” She nodded and then remembered he couldn’t see her through the phone. 

“I love you.”

“Love you so much princess.” 


	9. do you love me like I love you? could you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imagine having an actual plan for a story. Incredible
> 
> YALL I NAMED MY CHAPTERS WHAT A MOMENT

The night after her shower panic attack she still felt better. She had really cooked for the first time in weeks, and the house felt clean. Bellamy got home as she was finishing up dinner. 

“Hey Bell, I made dinner,” He had just walked through the door, and she was balancing Adelyn on her hip. 

“Oh, thanks babe,” He walked in and kissed Adelyn’s forehead, but then moved past Clarke. She frowned, turning around to watch as he threw his bag down on the couch, and pulled his tie off. 

“You okay honey?” She asked, curious about why he had seemingly avoided her. 

“Of course. How was your day?” He seemed to realize his mistake and placed a kiss on her forehead as well. 

_ Great, now I’m even with the baby _ , She thought. She handed Adelyn off to him as she finished setting the table. He played with her, and she made noises that resembled giggles, and her heart melted again. Maybe things were going to be okay. 

  
  


Octavia was a saint, Clarke had decided. She had insisted that she could more then care for Adelyn while Clarke went to counseling, and that Clarke couldn’t adequately care for a baby if she was this depressed, nor should she expect herself to. So suddenly she was thrust back into counseling, but her and Bellamy weren’t able to find time in his schedule to continue. It was frustrating, and she just felt that everyday was another half step back into not communicating. But she pressed forward, albeit more reserved from him. She had fully let him back in, and he had just gone back to his habits that had hurt them to begin with. So she pulled back, putting up more walls, which just irritated him. 

“For gods sake Bellamy we haven’t been out in months, put your phone down,” He grunted something about work and she groaned, pulling out her own phone to text Octavia. 

_ Clarke _ : How’s Adelyn doing? Is she okay? We can come home if you need

_ Octavia _ : Everything’s great Clarke. For real, just enjoy your night. 

_ Clarke _ : Are you sure? I don’t really want to be out. We’re just wasting money on a fancy meal to sit here and ignore each other. 

_ Octavia: _ Just talk Clarke. Fighting’s got to be better than what’s going on

“So, how was work?” She had never felt more awkward trying to force a conversation. 

“Good, how was your day?” He noncommittally asked. 

“It was okay. I’m just really tired all the time with Adelyn. And I feel like I haven’t left the home in weeks. And now that I got all dressed up my husband is ignoring me, which is just fantastic,” He grunted and she stood up abruptly. “I’m leaving if you aren’t going to talk to me.” She grabbed her purse and phone, and walked out of the restaurant. He rolled his eyes, sitting back in his chair, deciding to wait until she would ultimately come back. She was just being dramatic. After five minutes he started to worry, and signalled to a waiter for the check. As soon as it was taken care of he ran outside. She wasn’t in the parking lot, and he had no idea where she would have gone without the keys. 

Clarke was making her way down the sidewalk of downtown, in a dress, alone, at night. Her phone kept buzzing but she refused to let him call her. He could worry. It had taken him long enough to. Eventually she got too worried about what might happen, and walked into a coffee shop. She called Raven. 

“Hey Raven, sorry it’s kind of late. I just need a ride. I’m downtown, I don’t think I’m far from your apartment, but I’m not sure.”

“Weren’t you going out with Bellamy tonight?” 

“Yeah. I left the restaurant.” She ordered a coffee real quick and went back to the call. 

“What? You left without him?” She waited for an explanation, but Clarke didn’t know what she would say. “Nevermind, I’m heading your way, send me your location.” Clarke obliged after she hung up. Raven walked into the shop and immediately threw her arms around her friend. Clarke clung to her like there was nothing else in the world. Her phone rang as soon as she was in Raven’s car. She ignored it, but Raven looked over at her. 

“You going to answer that?” Clarke shrugged and pulled out her phone. It was Octavia, not Bellamy. 

“Hey, what’s up? I’m heading your way right now.” She answered. 

“Clarke, where the hell are you? Bellamy’s here to get Adelyn, but he said he can’t find you and he’s worried, said you won’t answer his calls.” She rolled her eyes. 

“Don’t let him leave, okay Octavia? Raven’s going to drop me off soon.” Octavia agreed, and Raven booked it to her place. 

“Do you need backup?” She asked as she pulled into the driveway. Clarke shook her head. 

“Just, can you wait here? I might need a getaway car.”

Clarke had meant it to be a joke but it came out too serious. Raven squeezed her hand and Clarke took a steadying breath, before heading into the home. Octavia and Bellamy were both having an intense yet quiet conversation on the couch, and Ollie was playing with Adelyn. Everything quieted when she walked inside however. She took another breath, before leaning over to pick up her baby, patting Ollie on the back and thanking him for playing with her. He just nodded, a huge grin on his face. Bellamy stood up and walked over to her. 

“Clarke-”

“Stop Bellamy. I’m done with excuses. I’m going to stay with my mom for a few weeks.” His eyes flew open. 

“Clarke, please don’t leave me. Please, I promise I’ll be better,” She shushed him when Adelyn started fussing. 

“I’m not fighting in front of the baby Bellamy. I need a few weeks, okay? Being around you is killing me.” He stumbled backwards like she had hit him. “Whatever we’ve been trying to do isn’t working. So I’m done.” 

“Princess, baby, please don’t do this. I’m so sorry. Please don’t leave me alone. I don’t trust myself yet. Please princess.” She grimaced as she moved towards the door. 

“Don’t call me that.” She opened the door, cuddling Adelyn as the cold air hit. Raven was still in the driveway, and she hopped inside, hoping Bellamy wouldn’t follow her home. 

He did of course. She was offering no explanation, running away, but she had been doing this for nearly a year. She should be allowed time off. Why did she always have to be the one making the effort, suffering silently while he ran on his rampages. 

Adelyn fell asleep on the drive over, so Clarke put her in the bassinet while she packed. Bellamy walked in as she was packing all of Adelyn’s things. 

“Clarke, please don’t do this. It was just dinner, right? We can fix it, I know we can.” She sighed. 

“Bellamy, I’m tired of trying to spell it out for you. I am exhausted. I am losing my mind with a husband that doesn’t love me, that cheated on me,” Her voice broke, and she placed a hand on her chest. “And for all I know, you’re doing it again. When was the last time you were home before six?” She sighed, rubbing her temple. “I can’t do this anymore Bellamy.” 

“Are you leaving me?” His voice was quiet. 

“I don’t know Bell. I just know I’m really tired of all the back and forth.” He nodded. 

“I’ll wait for you.”

“Don’t make promises you don’t know if you’ll keep.” He didn’t say anything, and she wasn’t watching as he left. When she headed into her room to pack, she found him asleep, curled up with Adelyn.  _ Tricky bastard _ . 

She got her things neatly packed up in her car. It took her a moment to go back into the house to get Adelyn. It kept getting harder and harder to leave him. She loved him. He had claimed her heart a long time ago, with passionate debates and soft reminders to make sure she was eating when she thought she was going to be a doctor and was going through the hell of medical school. After the first semester, she had quit, taken control of her life, and shown up at Bellamy’s house in the middle of the night, kissing him. 

It had been a whirlwind. He had proposed not even three months later. But when you’re 24 and you think you have life figured out all because you stopped doing something you felt pressured to, you say yes. And it felt right. It was right. She would never regret any of it, no matter how it ended. She had gotten a beautiful baby out of it, and some of the best memories of her life. She would never regret having loved so fiercely, giving him everything. Because it had been his choice to hurt her, not her own. She had just done what she had always done, and he thought it was a game to screw with her heart. 


	10. I would wait forever and ever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, have I gone ten whole chapters without profusely thanking each and every one of you? Your comments and kudos mean the absolute world to me!! Thank you for letting me tell a story that has allowed me to process some of my own things. Thank you for your incredible feedback. Thank you for reading!! thank you for sticking with this story, thank you for sharing your stories, thank you for being human. you all are just absolutely incredible. Just thank you thank you thank you.

Adelyn slept the majority of the ride, and Clarke worried about the elevation change with her. She hadn’t thought about it before she left for her mom’s house. It wasn’t that far, barely an hour and a half drive up the mountain, but even her ears struggled to pop sometimes. Adelyn didn’t fuss however, just smiled up at her. When they got there, remnants of the winter’s snow still remained here and there, and she made sure to wrap Adelyn up before taking her out of the car. Clarke knocked on the door and realized that she hadn’t told her mom they were coming. And it was nearly midnight. She rang the doorbell, and a few moments later, Marcus opened the door. 

“Clarke? What are you - oh.” He must have seen her eyes were still red and puffy from crying the entire drive up, and just brought her in, and helping her to a guest room, before promising to go get her bags, assuring her that she could just sleep. He didn’t need to tell her twice, she was passed out before he even got back. Abby was curled around her daughter and granddaughter, all three girls asleep. It was almost haunting. He pulled more blankets around them, seeing as it was cold in the house. 

Marcus woke up before the girls the next morning. Having known Clarke a long time, he knew food wasn’t going to comfort her with whatever was going on. So he didn’t cook much, just made her favorite oatmeal, something he knew she couldn’t help but eat. They all came down together, Abby holding Adelyn, her other hand on Clarke’s back. Clarke looked strong, ready to take on the world, despite it. 

“How are you holding up kiddo?” She groaned when he asked that, but immediately dug into the oatmeal. 

“I’m just exhausted. And just ready to figure out what I’m doing. I kind of just want to find a lawyer, get a divorce and be done with it.” She shrugged, reaching over to kiss Adelyn’s head. Marcus handed Abby a bowl of oatmeal and gratefully took it. “We were so happy like two weeks ago, you know? I don’t know what’s wrong with him.” Abby rubbed her back.

“Marriages take work Clarke, but you aren’t obligated to stay with him. It’s up to what you want. We’ll all support you no matter what you choose.” Marcus was better with the right words when it came to Clarke, whereas Abby was more physical comforting. 

“Hmm.”

“You don’t have to choose right now. We’ll help you take care of Adelyn for however long you need. You are always welcome to stay with us Clarke.” Tears filled her eyes, and she leaned her head on her mother’s shoulders. 

“Thank you guys.” 

*******

Clarke spent three days doing absolutely nothing. She played with her daughter, devoted all of her attention to her, rocked her to sleep and fed her. It was bliss. She finally felt like she was connecting with her, and devoted to her development. When she took all the stress out of her life, things were so much easier. Her mind was clearer, and she was actually sleeping and eating. 

But she was also restless. She wanted an answer right now, and wanted it to be over. She had been through so much for so long, and she was just sick of it. Ultimately, she wrote Bellamy an email. He hadn’t tried to contact her, which worried and simultaneously soothed her. It went through several revisions. 

_ Bellamy. _

_ Bellamy, _

_ Bellamy… _

_ Dear Bellamy, _

_ Husband Dearest (She was a little drunk when she came up with that one). _

_ Bell, _

_ I love you so much, and I just feel that’s the only right way to start this. I fell in love with you so long ago, probably within one of the first months I had known you. You loved me, you took care of me. We worked together and things were so good.  _

_ And then they weren’t.  _

She closed the document, too exhausted to keep thinking about it. Instead, she pulled up their wedding video. It had truthfully been the best day of her life. She had smiled the entire day, and being wrapped up in Bellamy’s arms the entire day had made her feel so safe and secure. Whether they were dancing, posing for pictures, or ending the night together in bed, he hadn’t been more than a foot from her. Her person. 

The vows were beautiful, but hard to watch. He had written such lovely ones, as was to be expected of him. Promising that he would always love her, that he would treat her like the princess she was. That no matter what happened, he would always be the person she knew she could call home. She ached to watch him repeat them. She had cried of course, so amazed that she got to call this person her husband. Honored that he had chosen her. Planning had been a dream as well. He had been by her side for all of it, occasionally arguing about small things, but always falling back together again. At that point, the hardest thing she thought she would ever go through was losing her father, him losing his mother. Nothing had ever hurt more than this. It wasn’t like she lacked support. Everyone had more than rallied around her, but the one person she wanted to be there for her, couldn’t. If this was another man, he would have held her while she sobbed, helped her with the baby, maybe threatened to kick his ass. Made sure she ate, kept her going, been her life support. But he was the reason she was hurting, and that broke her heart. 

She thought finding Finn fucking Raven in their bed was heart break. Him turning around, and later explaining that Clarke was just an easy fuck while Raven was gone, had broken her heart. Lowering her father into the ground while Bellamy held her had broken her heart. The many stupid boys in between had broken her heart. Seeing Octavia almost lose her husband had broken her heart. Seeing Jasper lose Maya had broken her heart. Holding Raven as she realized she would never be the same after her leg accident had broken her heart. Watching her mother lose herself to a life of drugs while Clarke struggled to cope with losing her father had broken her heart. 

All of those events stacked together didn’t even hold a candle to the way her heart was shattered now. And she allowed herself to feel it, because for the first time in so long, she didn’t have to hold up Bellamy and a pregnancy, loss thereof or otherwise. She wasn’t in charge of taking care of their group of friends, and while she was there for Adelyn, her mom could take care of her right now. Hell, she wasn’t even taking care of herself. The only reason she kept getting up was Marcus and her mom waking her up every morning. They fed her, and she was allowed to feel. Her skin tickled with the feeling of being physically okay. And then she allowed herself to feel the heartbreak. To really understand the magnitude of Bellamy’s actions. To let it hurt. She watched wedding video after wedding video, looked through every picture ever taken of them, even pulled out the shoebox she had brought along full of letters from Bellamy to her. And she sobbed. But it felt so good. 

*******   
  


Bellamy was losing his mind. She had been gone two weeks, and all he had heard was that she wasn’t planning on coming home soon. He missed her. So much. More than before, when she had found out about everything. In the back of his mind he knew she was coming back. He wasn’t sure of anything now. 

His mind was like a fuzzy space of nothing. Without his wife or his baby, nothing mattered, he realized quickly. He did laundry, washed dishes, knocked of tons of things Clarke had had on a list for him for years around the house. He cleaned and resealed the deck, planted her garden that she loved, finally set up the playset they had bought too soon into their first pregnancy. He trimmed trees, deep cleaned every inch of the house, and vacuumed. God, he vacuumed at least twice a day. It was oddly soothing for everything else to be drowned out as he picked out debris that had probably laid there for months. And when he had run out of things to do, he grabbed his laptop, and opened his dropbox to watch their wedding video. A notification popped up saying Clarke was editing their wedding folder, and he freaked out. 

_ No, no, no, Clarke don’t do it, please, _ He mentally pleaded with her. He scrambled up, finding his phone. He called her, and she surprisingly answered. 

“Hey,” He opened lamely. 

“Why did you call me?” He could hear the tears in her voice.

“I just opened our dropbox and saw you were deleting the wedding folder. Please don’t do this Clarke. Not that, not yet,” He pleaded with her, nearly dropping to his knees though she couldn’t see him. 

“I was moving stuff around, but I didn’t delete anything.” Her tone had lifted, and he took that as a good sign. 

“Oh.” He sat down on the couch, dumbfounded. “Why were you moving stuff around?”

“Oh well you know, I was sad and sentimental so I decided to watch our wedding videos and look at our photos to make myself feel more depressed,” Her tone had a hint of teasing sarcasm, but he didn’t know how to respond. 

“Oh. That doesn’t sound like it’s going to make you feel better.” 

“Yeah, well that’s not exactly the plan. You see, I married this guy a couple years ago, cause I was head over heels for him. But then he cheated on me, so I’m trying to decide how I feel about it.”

“Sounds like an idiot, to pass up on you.” He frowned, not sure if she needed best friend Bellamy or husband Bellamy. 

“Yeah, probably is. I still love him though.”

“Sounds like a mistake on your fault. You should dump his sorry ass.” Part of him just wanted to see what she would say. Another part ached to hold her, comfort her, promise he wouldn’t let anyone else hurt her ever again. But he had hurt her. 

“Yeah.” She sighed. “Good catching up with you Bellamy.”

“Wait! I’ve been working on our to do list, but I think I ran out of things. Could you maybe text me anything else you’ve been wanting to get done?” He had no idea why he said anything. He wasn’t trying to impress her, didn’t want it to come off that way. Selfishly, he wanted her right there. Wanted to make love to her and whisper how much he loved her, how beautiful she was. And the other part of him knew that he needed to let her free. Let her have her space and figure it out. And if she came back home, he would thank every divine deity and hold her tight. He wouldn’t ruin it this time. And if she didn’t he would love her from afar. Watch as she probably moved on. Be the best damn co-parent that ever existed. There were so many emotions involved in this shit. He missed his college days of fucking or fighting his feelings away. And yet, he wouldn’t trade it for the joy that his wife brought him, or the giggles his baby girl made. 

“Oh dang. Well have you trimmed the trees out back that are close to the roof?”

“Yeah,” He went over the list of everything he had done so far, and she answered with a wow.

“Shit, Bell, I don’t know. I haven’t dusted since we moved in, you could probably do that. I need to make more jam, I can send you the recipe for that. It’s really easy, you can use the extra jars from every year, they’re under the stairs. I think your car needs an oil change, you could do that. Other then that I can’t think of anything. Thanks for asking.” He nodded. 

“Okay, I’ll get on that.”

“Hey Bell?”

“Hm?”

“Uh, nevermind. Bye,”

“Bye Clarke.”

He watched the videos first. Then he started the new list.

******

They had been texting, ever since that phone call. She’d send him a “Have a good day” text when she got up, and he’d respond in kind. He texted her to complain about his coworkers or his boss throughout the day. She sent videos of Adelyn. He sent her pictures to verify that he was eating actual food, and not just takeout. She sent him photos of the gourmet meals Marcus made every morning. One morning she got up early with Adelyn, and decided she wanted to go on a hike. She bundled Adelyn up, as it was still cold in the May morning, and strapped her into some weird baby holding contraption her and Bellamy had purchased as a joke but had actually come in handy. She took various selfies with Adelyn throughout the hike, and at the top, she took a video of Adelyn giggling with the most beautiful sunrise in the background. 

She sent all of it to Bellamy, even if he wouldn’t be up for an hour.

_ Clarke _ : hey honey, we wish you were here. Love you!!!<3

She didn’t think about it until later that afternoon when he hadn’t texted her back yet. Her eyes widened, and her mom glanced at her in amusement. 

“You okay?” Clarke vigorously shook her head, pulling her phone out to show her mother what she had done. “Oh. Was that on purpose?”

“No! I wasn’t even thinking about it, we’ve just been texting the last week or so and it felt natural. And it was before 7, and I haven’t had coffee in like a year.” She groaned and threw her head into her hands. 

“Honey, there’s no right way to do this. You guys have always done things fast. But if this is too fast for you, we can slow it down. You can just tell him it was an accident. He’s been good so far, right?” Clarke nodded from her hand cocoon. “How do you want to go about this?”

“I meant it.” She shrugged. “Ugh, this is worse than those stupid crushes in high school.”

“Of course it is sweetheart. This is a marriage.”

“I think I’m going to text him. Ask if he saw it.” 

“It’s your decision honey.” Clarke nodded and sent it, right as she received a text from him. 

_ Bellamy _ : Hey, not sure if you meant to send that. Can we talk about it? I can call you when I get home from work?

_ Clarke _ : yeah that’d be great, sorry

_ Bellamy _ : don’t apologize you weirdo

_ Clarke _ : did you just??? I thought we were friends. You’re getting blocked for that insult

_ Bellamy _ : aha I see we’re back to square one of getting offended when the other says something

Talk to you soon

Clarke was so nervous for the rest of the day, but the call went well. They discussed what she had said, both of them had shared their feelings, and by the end of it they were joking and laughing like usual. They even facetimed at the end, and she showed him Adelyn’s latest trick of rolling over. He freaked out, and then made a comment about how much he wished he could hold her. He paused after that.

“Clarke, I am so sorry, you’re totally fine to stay up there.” She just chuckled. 

“We’re being honest Bell. And if that includes you missing your baby, then I want to hear it, okay? Maybe I could come down in a week or two, and we could take her to walk around the park.”

“Really?” His face had lit up, and she chuckled again. 

“We’ll see. I’ll text you, okay?”

“Bye Adelyn. Bye Clarke.

“Say bye daddy, Adi sweetie.” Adelyn attempted to wave at the screen though she was confused why. 


	11. tell me what you see

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love y'all!!!

This really wasn’t healthy. She knew that. 

But she couldn’t stop herself. 

There were so many pictures, who knew she was a model on the side of her office job?

Clarke certainly didn’t. 

Her waist was barely there. 

And those eyebrows. She really couldn’t blame Bellamy. She was drop dead gorgeous.They perfectly complemented each other, both tall, with gorgeous dark hair, darker skin. Everything about them exuded beauty and elegance. 

And then there was Clarke. She was short, with broader shoulders than what was probably acceptable. She had always carried a few extra pounds around her stomach, but she still had yet to work on losing the baby weight. Her breasts were large, and in the way, unnecessary and hard to dress. Her skin was as pale as could be, and her hair was nearly platinum. It carried extra wave that she hated. 

She would never be Echo. 

And oh god, she had left him alone. With the freedom to do whatever he wanted. And after scrolling through her instagram, she wouldn’t be surprised if she went home to the news that he was leaving her for Echo. She couldn’t even blame him really. What could she offer him except a decent ability to paint and way too many curves than could be attractive? She was quiet the next few days, but her mother assumed she was just nervous about seeing Bellamy that weekend. 

It was Wednesday, and she was driving home Friday night. She’d stay at home, Bellamy had offered to stay in the guest room. As long as everything went well, she’d be back Sunday night. They were going slow, but suddenly Clarke felt like she needed to get there as soon as possible. She had spent nearly an hour stalking Echo on Sunday, and had just felt sick to her stomach since. 

He was home. Alone. Her heart was racing as she stared daggers at the oatmeal in front of her. She pushed it away. 

“I’m not actually that hungry right now, thanks though Marcus.” He eyed her carefully, and moved his attention to Abby. A silent conversation passed between them. 

“Are you feeling alright honey?” Abby asked cautiously.

Clarke shrugged, “I’m fine.”

“You need to eat. You’re feeding a baby Clarke.”

She shrugged again. “I’m really not hungry right now. Besides, I need to be eating less if anything. I’ve got baby weight to lose.” She was still gazing at the table, staring at her water as if it would offer her the answers she sought. 

Her mom patted her back. “Let’s go for a walk honey.”

“I’m fine mom.” 

“You’re staying at my house, which is more than welcome, but you’ll listen to me young lady. Just because you have your own child doesn’t make you void from my instructions.” Clarke stood up abruptly. 

“Whatever, we need to leave anyways.” She stormed up the stairs. She didn’t really have to pack everything. She knew she’d be back, and the majority of her clothes was at home anyways. In a few minutes she was back downstairs, not nearly as energetic about her fit as she was earlier. “See you Sunday.” Everyone knew this was more about her and Bellamy than what her mother had said.

****   
  


Bellamy was thoroughly horrified to pull into his driveway to find his wife’s car in the garage. Not that he had anything to hide from her, he seriously hadn’t really done anything but get up, go to work, come home and either find a project or throw on a game for the last couple of weeks. But she wasn’t supposed to be here until Friday. And last time he checked, it was Wednesday. So something had either happened, something bad, or she had decided to come home and murder him. 

“Clarke?” He called as he walked in from the garage. He was holding his bag in case he needed it for defense. He didn’t hear anything for a moment, could just smell steak and potatoes cooking. What the hell? 

Then, “Hi honey! How are you?” She walked in to greet him. In heels. And a dress. Her hair was done, his favorite lipstick of hers gracing her face. She looked better then she had on their wedding day. She was holding Adelyn on her hip. It was all weird. Adelyn was in a dress as well.  _ What the actual hell was going on?  _ The two of them looked like one of those rich suburban moms with several nannies that never left the house without at least two hours of prep work. 

“Clarke?” He stumbled over the word, beyond confused at this point. “Are you okay?” She giggled, pressing a kiss on his cheek. He was sure her lipstick marked his cheek now.

“Of course! You’re so funny. Should we eat? I’m sure you’re starving.” She was slightly rambling now, but she just kept going as she swung her hips in front of him, moving into the kitchen. “I just decided to come home early. Really, I ought to put all this nonsense behind me. It was months ago. Things are good now. And you’re such a fantastic father, Adelyn needs you now. We both need you. And I shouldn’t have left my husband home alone for so long, goodness knows you can cook well, but shouldn’t that be what I do? I mean, we decided I’d stay home. Not to enforce gender roles of course, but it’s just what I wanted to do and then I dropped the ball. So we’re back to stay now.” She had lit candles on the kitchen table, and covered it in a table cloth. She had brought out their fancy china. 

She placed Adelyn in her high chair, and cooed at her as she fed her. There, that was normal. But she still looked red carpet ready, it was all so weird. He went to plate up food for the two of them, but she freaked out. 

“Oh no honey, you just sit, I’ll get everything for the two of us.” He lifted an eyebrow as she kissed him, on the lips this time, but just went and took a seat next to Adelyn, taking up feeding her. 

“Is she losing her mind?” He whispered, hoping the infant would offer some answers. She seemed to fix him with a look that said “Really, you’re asking me?” Clarke walked into the dining room then, heels clicking. Her dress strap was slipping, and he could see something lacy. Oh god, she was wearing the lingerie she had worn on their wedding night. 

What the fuck was going on? 

Dinner was tense, but Clarke didn’t seem to realize that. She wasn’t even really eating. She had placed a tiny salad in front of her seat. He waited for her to go back into the kitchen to get more food for herself, but she never did. Every few minutes she’d take a tiny bite, and it was the weirdest thing he had ever seen. It reminded him of that time in high school that Octavia had convinced herself she needed to lose weight. 

Oh shit. She didn’t think she was in a hurry to lose the baby weight, did she? It wasn’t even really there. He hadn’t exactly seen her naked since the baby, but she didn’t look like she was carrying anything more than usual. He was so confused. Clarke smiled the entire night, giggling every few seconds. Was she trying to seduce him? What was going on here? 

“So, are you going to eat some real food?” He asked as she finally shut up, taking another tiny bite of that salad. She chuckled. 

“I haven’t really been that hungry lately. You’re sweet to worry about me though,” She fixed him with another smile, but it felt so fake. It hadn’t once reached her eyes tonight. Those were empty. 

“So how’s Echo?” He spit out his water then, nearly choking.

“ _ What _ ?” 

She giggled. “She called you that one time. I figured you guys were at least talking again.” Maybe this was a trick? To gauge his reaction? Holy hell, how was he supposed to act?

“No,” He started cautiously, “I blocked her a few days after you left.”

Her mask fell at that, something shining in her eyes for the first time since he had seen her. Adelyn giggled then, throwing her spoon and hitting her mother square in the face. She jumped, but immediately jumped up. 

“I guess she’s done eating,” Her voice was monotone, the flirtatiousness of earlier gone. Shouldn’t she be glad he wasn’t talking to Echo?

“Why don’t you two go get ready for bed and I can clean up dinner?” He suggested, hoping she wouldn’t freak out like last time. She smiled gratefully at him. 

“That’d be great, thanks.” She scooped up the baby, and made her way into their room. He heard the bathtub running not long after. He hummed to himself as he loaded the dishes and cleaned off the counters, content, but still on edge. He was worried about Clarke. Something was wrong, she wasn’t supposed to be here today, and it felt like she was pushing herself back into his life. He was fine with that. He was ready for her to come home, but he knew she wasn’t there yet, and it felt like she was dragging herself kicking and screaming. He blew out the candles and carefully placed them back in the cabinet they kept them in for special occasions. It was weird to transform his home back into, well, his home, and not whatever it was that she had created. He had just finished cleaning up when Clarke came out in a nightgown, cradling Adelyn against her chest as she rocked her. She motioned for him to be quiet, and he realized she was putting her to sleep. He leaned against the counter and watched and she quietly sang to the infant. Adelyn hung onto her mother’s finger for dear life, and it was the most tender thing he had ever seen. When her eyelashes fluttered, and she was definitely asleep, he followed as she so gently placed her in the cradle in her nursery. 

Clarke walked out of the room, slowly shutting the door. “Sorry, she’s a really light sleeper right now. Any noise will wake her up.” He nodded, and he moved to their room. When he reached the door handle, she grabbed his wrist. “Bellamy, I’m really sorry about tonight. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I wasn’t ready for this and I was pushing myself.” He had been right. But he also knew there was something underlying there, that she wasn’t going to tell him yet. He nodded again, and pressed a kiss to her forehead. She didn’t flinch away, so he assumed it was okay. 

“I’m going to change real quick, and then you can have the bedroom, okay?” She nodded.

*******

  
He could hear her crying. For some stupid reason, when they were designing this home, they had put the guest room on the other wall of the master bedroom. And then they decided to keep it as a guest room and use the other guest room as the nursery. Stupid decisions, because now he couldn’t sleep. His mind was going over everything he had said tonight, everything that could have set her off like this. He was just as confused as she seemed to be, but he wasn’t sad confused, he was just utterly confused, waiting for someone to jump out at him and explain it was all some weird prank. 

That didn’t happen. He sat there for a good hour, listening to her tears, wondering what his role was. If this was normal and not messy, he would go hold her. He’d already be there, actually, because in their normal non messy life, they slept together. Wild. But now he was on the other side of the wall, unsure if she knew he could hear her. After an hour, it seemed to be more sniffling than anything, so he deemed she would be okay, and they could talk in the morning. The last thing he wanted to do was overstep his boundaries or make her uncomfortable. God forbid they repeated that time they’d first tried to have sex after everything and she had frozen up. He was halfway asleep when his door creaked open. He opened his eyes and saw Clarke peaking in.

“Bellamy?” Her voice was quiet and broken. 

“I’m awake,” He responded, trying to read her. 

“Is it bad if I ask you to hold me?” He shook his head, moving to make room for her on the bed. She collapsed into his arms, sighing. He ran his hands through her hair, trying to comfort her. Her breathing eventually slowed and he was pretty sure she had fallen asleep. He laid down on the bed, pulling her with him. She hummed into his chest, apparently not asleep. 

She was gone when he woke up to his alarm in the morning. He thought it might have been a dream for a moment, but swore it had been real. He threw himself out of the bed, and found her in the kitchen, making breakfast. Adelyn still seemed to be asleep. 

“Hey, are you okay?” He asked, leaning his hip on the counter. She shrugged. 

“Not really. Just some body stuff.” She turned back to the eggs, pushing the spatula around. “Are you okay with eggs and toast for breakfast?”

“Yeah, that sounds great. I can’t make eggs as well as you can.” She seemed to brighten a little. He moved around the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water. She plated everything and handed it to him. He frowned. 

“Aren’t you going to eat too?” She shrugged. 

“I’m not really hungry.” The frown deepened. 

“Is that the body stuff? Are you sick?” His voice was etched with concern. “What’s going on Clarke?” 

“I was just looking at Echo’s instagram a few weeks ago and realized I wasn’t as attractive as her. I didn’t need to think about it before,” She admitted. He stood, mouth agape. 

“You can’t be serious,” She shrugged and started to scrub the pan in the sink. “Clarke, you’re absolutely beautiful. Your body has given us so much. He moved to hold her hips. “Is this okay?” She nodded. He squeezed her hips. “I love your curves. You have a perfect ass, and don’t get me started on your tits. I could spend all day worshipping them.” He moved his hands to her stomach. “And this, is my favorite part of you, because it carried our baby for nine months,” Then he tickled her. She squealed and giggled, trying to jump away from him, but he just pulled her closer. “And it lets me tickle you.” He kissed her forehead. “And you are the perfect height for this,” He mumbled into her hair. “Your body tells your story Clarke. And it’s a beautiful one.”

She threw her arms around his neck. He squeezed her hips again. “No one will ever be as beautiful to me as you are Clarke.” He held her for a few more minutes, but then had to sneak away on account of getting ready for work. When he came back into the kitchen, she was sitting at the counter, staring at her own plate of eggs and toast. He placed a hand on her back. “It’s okay to eat, you’re doing a lot right now, you need energy.” She nodded, and took a bite. He sat by her until she had finished, offering slight encouragement. She jumped into his arms when she finished, and he chuckled into her neck as he spun her around. “I’m so proud of you.”


	12. something about it felt like home somehow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda a short one. As always though, thanks so much for reading! Your kudos and comments seriously make my day. You guys are the sweetest ever

Bellamy got off work early on Thursday and Friday. Originally, they wanted to go grocery shopping and take Adelyn to the park, see how she did out in public. But she had woken up with a cold Thursday morning, so they had taken her to the doctor that afternoon. She fell asleep on the drive home, and Bellamy and Clarke quietly chatted. She didn’t wake up when they got home, and though Clarke knew it was better that she slept, she was truthfully bored without her. They couldn’t leave, and right now they would usually play. But the house was clean, and neither of them would be hungry for a few more hours. 

Bellamy seemed to be moving purposefully around the home, and she awkwardly took a seat on the couch, pulling out her phone to upload all the photos she hadn’t yet posted of Adelyn. She was halfway through picking the pictures out when Bellamy walked back in with a pile of board games. 

“Oh my god! I forgot about all those!” She exclaimed as he set them on the table. They had gotten married in the fall, and had spent every free time they had that winter at home, curled up together, playing board games. It quickly fell out as a tradition when things had gotten busier, and their friends had demanded that they still spend time with everyone, for sake of not allowing their souls to be lost to an old married couple as newlyweds. He smirked at her as she recalled the memories, holding up Risk. “Oh of course you want to play that, you nerd.” He chuckled as she made room on the table. They set up together, both wordlessly shifting back to the roles they had taken that winter. They both assumed their regular colors, giggling as they automatically handed each other the red and blue. The game was mostly silent, but incredibly therapeutic for Clarke. Every few minutes she’d make a comment about how insanely serious he was taking it, even though she was just as bad, if not worse. She didn’t know when they started holding hands across the table, but it reminded her of those winter nights so long ago. They were so content with the other, they didn’t need to say anything. They had nothing to prove to the other, they were just themselves, safe as could be with the other.

He got up about after he won, going to make popcorn before they start another game. She checked her phone and realized they had been playing for three hours. She got up as well and went to go check on Adelyn. She was still fast asleep, softly breathing. Clarke sat over her crib for a few minutes, just watching her, and softly running her fingers around the infants face. Bellamy found her then, leaning in the doorway.

“Is she okay?” He murmured to catch her attention. She smiled at him and he walked over. She put her head on his shoulder, and he wrapped an arm around her waist as they gazed at her sleeping form. “She’s beautiful Clarke.” They were silent for a few more moments before he opened his mouth to speak again, “Obviously we can’t let her date until she’s 30.” She snorted at him and poked his ribs.

“Obviously.”

“Monopoly?” He asked. She nodded, and he took her hand as he led her back to the living room.

They were still sleeping in separate bedrooms. It was a little weird, but more than anything it made the transition back home even easier. She didn’t have to be intimate with him. Even if they weren’t having sex, she really just appreciated having her own space, and him respecting that. And she knew she’d have to go back to Abby and Marcus’ home eventually, and she didn’t want to get used to having him hold her every night just to go back to being on her own again.

Sunday came much too quickly, but Clarke had held up her resolve to leave after this weekend. Adelyn had mainly just slept, but Sunday morning she woke up feeling better, so they bundled her up to go to the park.

They hadn’t had any huge conversations, things beyond what was going on at work, some painting idea’s Clarke had, bets about what Adelyn’s first word would be. But it still felt good. Discussions about boundaries were incredibly awkward, but they felt in sync again, like they always had been. It was an easy give and take, and easy to understand what the other did and didn’t want yet. They were hardly over the hardest parts yet, but things were leveling out a little bit, and she felt like they could take the next few steps together for the first time in months.

Now they were sitting at the dinner table, eating early as they usually did on Sunday nights. It was barely four o’clock, and Clarke knew she needed to leave soon. But she really didn’t want to. She felt comfortable here and going back there was scary. Leaving him and the comfort that he had always brought, even now wasn’t what she wanted. But she didn’t know what he wanted, and she didn’t know what she should be doing. She could feel her heartbeat increasing, and she really had no appetite left, so she stood up and took Bellamy’s plate. He smiled at her gratefully as he lifted Adelyn from her high chair.

“We should get you in the bath baby, you smell like those awful sweet peas we have to feed you,” Clarke glared at him from the kitchen.

“She’s going to figure out what you’re saying and refuse to eat them, asshole.”

“That’s the plan darling. Those things smell disgusting. I don’t know how we can expect her to eat them,” He chuckled as he walked into the guest bathroom. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and turned on some quiet music as she moved around the kitchen to clean up. She was stalling, she knew that. But so was Bellamy. And she would quit stalling when he stopped stalling.

All the sudden it was five, and he was standing in front of the house, waving as she left. Silent tears streamed down her face, and so she said fuck it, and threw the car into park, running back to the house. He looked confused as she threw herself onto him, kissing him harder than they had in months. He recovered quickly and threw his hands around her waist, and suddenly she was crying into the kiss, silent sobs wracking her body.

He pulled her tighter. “When can I come home?” She asked quietly.

“Go for one night Clarke, and then if you still want to come home, you’re more than welcome to okay? Let’s just try and make the most informed decisions we can with this.” He stroked her hair and she dropped her head on his shoulder.

“I’m going to miss you so much.” He squeezed her one more time before setting her down and taking her hand as they walked to her car, parked in the middle of the road. He kissed her once she was in her car and buckled.

“Call me when you get there safe okay?” She nodded, and another tear slipped out. He wiped his thumb over it. “Drive safe princess.”


	13. what you mean to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're almost there!!! lil bit of smut in this chapter ehehe

Clarke was lounging on the couch, cradling her sleeping child on her chest. One of her favorite things that she didn’t expect from motherhood was singing to her baby when she put Adelyn down at night or for naps. Watching as her eyelashes fluttered, as her breathing evened, was one of the divine things she had ever experienced. She really wished her and Bellamy could be doing it together. 

_ Damn it Clarke, you’ve been gone less than twenty four hours, he’s not even home right now.  _ She felt like all she had done since leaving was reprimand herself. She had rushed herself last time, and she didn’t want to do that this time. When she had confided her worries in her mother, Abby had smiled knowingly, which just pissed Clarke off. “You’ve got to listen to where you are Clarke, and you’re doing that this time.” Inside, Clarke knew she was right. But the pacing was odd. No one had ever written a book about the timeline of fixing things with your spouse after a joint miscarriage and affair. It was messy and unique. It was theirs, and though it was hard, she slowly felt herself falling in love with this process of growing back into her husband. Before the affair, when they had been pregnant for the first time, she had been convinced she could never love someone as much as she loved Bellamy at that moment. Then Adelyn had come along, and she felt more love for her and the seemingly newfound husband than she was sure was possible. No words could possibly encompass the feelings, but she had never been good at words to begin with. But she supposed that was what had driven humanity for so long, that earnest need to somehow capture that love. 

Because she knew it wasn’t just her. She saw it between her parents at a young age. She later saw it with Abby and Marcus, though how her mother had been able to love two people that deeply in one lifetime baffled her. She saw it in all their friends. Jasper had nearly lost himself to that love, and been reintroduced to a healing love within their friend group. He had found a new love as Jordan’s honorary uncle, because godfather was never a title that would fit him. Monty and Harper had found that love together. Octavia had found that love everywhere in her life, whether it be the self defense classes she taught as a volunteer on the weekends or the first time she held her own child. Heaven knew her and Lincoln preciously held it between them. Raven had held it so many times, a woman with so many walls and yet she had found it with Finn, however badly that ended. She had loved Wick with every ounce of her being. And Shaw was afforded that same love. And though all of them had been through hell and back, somehow, they had found that love that people sang of, painted of, dreamt of. 

And suddenly, she understood. She shifted slowly to a sitting position on the couch, carefully balancing Adelyn on her arms. The infant didn’t move as her mother so lovingly placed a kiss on her head before laying her on the couch. She ever so carefully placed all the belongings they had her in their suitcase, and threw the sheets in the washer. Abby and Marcus were gone for the afternoon, but she left a note on the counter, and then loaded the car. She smiled at Adelyn in the back seat, still sleeping, and turned on a playlist Bellamy had made her for her birthday one year, full of songs from their wedding, and things that had meant so much to them since. He updated it every once in a while, and she found a new song that apparently had been added this morning. 

She cried on the way down as she listened to their story, played back to her via her phone and her car’s bluetooth. Bellamy was just pulling into the driveway when she got there, and she grinned as she hopped out of the car to come see her. She followed suite, racing to him. 

“I love you so much Bellamy Blake,” She mumbled in his ear as she placed giddy kisses all over his face. He pulled her impossibly tighter to him. 

“I love you too honey,” His eyes were closed in bliss as she continued to giggle and sloppily kiss him. “Adelyn?” He asked after a few more moments. 

“Oh, yeah, she’s in the car still, but she woke up a little bit ago.” They moved together to pick the girl out of her carseat. Bellamy held her up at eye level, murmuring in her ear. 

“Welcome home baby girl. Your mommy and I love you so so much,” He cuddled her and held Clarke’s hand as they walked into the house, together. 

*******

It still took Clarke a few weeks before she wanted to sleep in the same bed as Bellamy, but god, if that wasn’t just a huge step forward when they reached that point. 

Adelyn had been put to sleep a few hours ago, and Clarke had thrown herself on Bellamy afterwards. He had chuckled, pushing her away. “We’re watching a movie like we planned weirdo.” She pouted, and he pulled her back into his lap. “Give me some time to make sure she’s asleep. Then you can have as many orgasms as you want in any form.” She pinched him and she chuckled. He made good on his promise later, fingering her lazily as he held her in his lap. She squirmed and squealed and he kept chuckling in her ear. 

“Come on baby, we don’t want to wake up Adelyn, okay?” She nodded, and he increased the pace of his fingers as they entered her, and speeding up the circles he was making on her clit. She buried her face in his neck, attempting to quiet herself. 

“Please Bell, I’m so close,” He shushed her again, but continued to hit all the spots he knew worked like magic on her. He felt her clench around his fingers and make that adorable noise that he liked to think only he had ever been able to make her make. The tension in her body immediately released as she all but collapsed on him. “Oh. My. God. Bell, that was so good,” It took her a few minutes to recover. He just continued to slowly rub at her clit, and kiss all along her neck and collarbone. 

“Mmm, have I ever told you how beautiful you are?” He murmured in her ear, and she shivered at the warmth of his voice. 

“Yeah, but you can remind me,” He chuckled, biting lightly at her pulse point but quickly soothed it with his tongue. He made a decision, and ran his hands down her body, quickly looping around her thighs. Before she realized what was happening, he picked her up and she squealed. 

“Oh my god Clarke, you have seriously got to quiet down. You can’t just be as loud as you want anymore baby,” His tone was teasing but she hardened her expression. 

“This is all your fault. You put that baby in me.” She tried to hold the seriousness of her expression, but faltered when he pinched her side. 

“Do you want another one?” He teased. She groaned. 

“Ugh, have you not had enough foreplay already? Just fuck me Bell.” He willingly complied. They lay together in bed afterwards, sated for the time being. Truthfully, Clarke felt like they had been going at it like horny newlyweds for the last few weeks, but she didn’t mind. She hadn’t had her husband like that in so long. No pretenses, the tension gone. Echo completely gone from her brain while he showed her how much he loved her. Really, she hadn’t thought of Echo in weeks. It felt good, to just have her family in a bubble. It wouldn’t last forever, but she felt like they were getting some time together to just enjoy each other and love each other. 

Bellamy seemed keen on making it up to her. That’s what she had witnessed anyway. He insisted he just wanted her to know he loved her. But he had made her breakfast in bed at least twice a week, getting up earlier than he needed. He had come home with little presents and toys for Adelyn. He made love to her constantly, whispering affirmations in her ear, about how much he loved her, how gorgeous she was. Kissing every inch of her body and telling her what he loved about that. He left notes for her to find throughout the day while he was gone. This bubble was safe and so beautiful. 

Of course, it had to burst at some point. It was early November, and they were all in the living room, slowly decorating for Christmas. Adelyn was an avid crawler at this point, which affected the decorations they were putting up. Early in their marriage, Clarke had groaned about how early Bellamy wanted Christmas, but now she just embraced it, falling in love with the season as he got giddy about it. Adelyn’s sleep schedule was odd now, she seemed to want to sleep whenever the sun wasn’t up, which was all the time now. Clarke and Bellamy weren’t complaining. This angel baby had been so easy, and though they loved playing with her, they knew how important it was the have alone time right now. Adelyn started yawning, despite all the curtains being closed. Bellamy glared at Clarke, right on time as per usual. She chuckled and scooped her up, already beginning her nightly round of lullabies. 

When she came out later, she found Bellamy tangled in a roll of tinsel. He glared at her when she burst out laughing. 

“Be nice to me, my emotions are fragile,” He pouted. She had to put a hand over her mouth, trying to control the laughter. 

“I’m married to a two year old.” He stood up then, and she screamed as he threw some of the tinsel at her. Eventually, they had put Adelyn back to bed, and cleaned up the mess of tinsel they had made in the living room. They were laying in bed, both of them devouring books, as was becoming usual. If they weren’t having sex, they were reading in bed. Bellamy had been staring at Clarke for a few minutes now, waiting for her to notice him. When she finally did, she put her book down and pulled him into her chest. He mumbled something incoherent, and she pulled away. 

“Hmm?”

“I need to talk to you.” Any color in her face drained at the seriousness of her tone. 

“Our company Christmas party is in a few weeks.” She nodded, waiting for him to continue. “Some of the woman at work go out for drinks every few weeks, and Echo’s still invited. Apparently she has some grand scheme to sneak back me into my office that night, hide in there or something.” Clarke sat up and played with her hands in her lap. 

“After all this time?” He shrugged. 

“I don’t understand her Clarke. Should we just not go to the party?”

Clarke thought about it, but then an evil thought overtook her, and she smirked. 


	14. everything has changed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to indulge in this with you. I am so so grateful.

Clarke was slightly tipsy. Bellamy figured she’d have a couple of drinks before they got down to business, but she had reacted to everything tonight with a giggle. Not that he was complaining, he just wanted to make sure she was completely sure about this, and he didn’t want her agreeing on account of the amount of alcohol in her system. 

She had been in his arms the entire night, and it felt so right. She fit him so perfectly. He fit her perfectly. It had taken hell to get here, but damn if it wasn’t worth it for how bearable this night had been, considering it was a party with people he associated with for sake of a paycheck. Her smile glowed like a warm fire, inviting and yet calm at the same time. He would go to war for that smile. Besides, that seemed to be the plan. 

Not that he didn’t love being buried inside Clarke normally, but this was different, this was payback. This was him showing her how over it he was. This was him giving Echo the ultimate ‘fuck off’. 

She was taking her sweet time, chatting with all of his coworkers, even pulling out her phone to show them pictures of Adelyn. Everyone ‘oohed’ and gave him a look to tell him he had the most adorable wife in the world. As if he wasn’t already well aware. She was talking to his boss now, about to pull out the photos of Adelyn, when he caught movement in the corner of his vision. He squeezed Clarke where his arms were around her, the signal that it was go time. She just kept on talking, and he chuckled. Finally, she started to wrap up the conversation. 

“It’s always great to talk to you Jason, thanks so much for having us,” She said, shaking the other mans hand. His boss chuckled, smiling at Bellamy. 

“You’ve got a great one here,” He took his leave then as Bellamy hummed in Clarke’s ear. 

“I really do have the best wife ever,” She giggled again at the warmth in her ear. “You still okay with this?” She nodded, and stepped out of his grip, pulling him along into his office. She shot him a wicked look over her shoulder before opening the door, and he quickly shooed her in, pinning her against the door. 

“You look so pretty in that dress baby,” He murmured in her ear. She hummed, and placed her arms around his neck, pulling his mouth into the crook behind her ear. He licked and sucked at her, pulling a few small moans out of her. 

“I can’t stop thinking about this Bellamy,” She whispered as he moved down her neck, lightly biting her pulse point. Her hands roamed through his hair, slightly tugging here and there, like she knew he liked. “You and me, over that desk, you inbetween my thighs on your chair, god, you’ve been driving me crazy all night.” He growled then, slipping the straps of her dress down her arms. He looked up at her, waiting for the okay, before he slid the zipper down, letting the dress pool on the floor underneath her. She jumped up, tightening her legs around his waist as he moved them to his desk. 

“You’re mine,” He growled, licking between her breasts. She pulled her legs tighter around him, pulling him right in between her thighs. Suddenly, she turned possessive, pulling his face up to hers. 

“ _ You’re mine _ ,” She repeated back at him, with even more growl than he had. 

“Holy hell princess,” He breathed as she licked and kissed and sucked along his jaw. “You’re gonna leave a ton of marks that I can’t cover baby.” He didn’t really mind, but he was trying to think of everything he could to keep him from coming right then and there. He hadn’t seen this side of her in bed, ever. He was sure this was new to her too. 

“Good.” She said, only taking a second to stop her ministrations. As her movements got lower, she placed her hands inside his shirt, running up along his chest. “Take it off,” She commanded. He obliged her. She moved down his chest with that wicked mouth of hers, and he felt as though his legs were shaking, about to give out. He heard something in the room rustle, and he was brought back to why they were doing this. 

Abruptly, he grabbed Clarke’s wrists, holding them behind her back. He leaned into her ear to whisper. “This is about you, princess, can you be good for me now?” She gulped and nodded energetically. He smirked as he sunk to his knees in front of her, placing a kiss right over her clit, through the lacy panties he had helped her pick out earlier. She whimpered, pulling him closer to her heat, her hands braided through his hair. “You’re so good for me sweetheart. Just a little longer, okay?” Suddenly, an idea popped into his head. He reached out towards her, grasping the panties with his teeth, and pulled them down her legs. She stared with wide eyes as he looked back up at her. 

“That was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” She gasped the last words out as he unexpectedly attacked her with a long lick up her slit. Of course, Echo chose that moment to make her presence known. 

“God you married couples are disgusting,” She groaned, as though it was their fault she was here. Clarke glared at her as Bellamy hopped in front of his wife, suddenly realizing they forgot the part of the plan where she was naked in front of Echo. Clarke placed a grateful hand on his arm, her head making an appearance on his shoulder. 

“Get the hell out of my office Echo. I don’t want to ever see you again, near me, or my wife and daughter.” Echo glared right back at Clarke, but Clarke stood still. 

“This isn’t a competition Echo, because even if it was, I still won. You cannot touch my husband, and you sure as hell can’t touch me or  _ our _ baby. Get the hell out of our lives, you desperate low life.” Echo looked shocked at the assertiveness with which she spoke the words, and stumbled towards the door. Bellamy slammed it after her, well aware the party was still going on, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care as he locked the door and hurried back to where his wife sat. He enveloped her in his arms, and she sighed into his shoulder. 

“What a way to kill the moment. She couldn’t have let me come first?” She grumbled, and he chuckled, pulling his face up to meet his. 

“Are you okay Clarke?” She nodded and smiled as she placed a brief chaste kiss on his lips. 

“I have my family. That’s all I need Bell,” He squeezed her hips, moving towards her again. 

“Is it wrong that after all that I just want to hold you?” He asked. She shook her head. 

“Wasn’t exactly the sexiest moment of my life, but maybe that’s just me.” She moved off the desk, pulling her underwear and dress back on. “Besides, there’s plenty more work parties we can enjoy ourselves at. And you know, if you happen to forget a lunch one day, I could always come in.” She winked as she stepped back into the dress. He helped her zip it back up, placing a kiss on her shoulder. She smiled at him as they walked to the door, hand in hand. His boss winked at him as he left, and Clarke smirked while Bellamy blushed bright red. He chuckled as he pulled her coat over her shoulders. 

“God, I don’t even know who you are anymore you freaky wife of mine.” Her malicious smirk deepened, and the sway of her hips increased. He shook his head, already feeling his pants growing more uncomfortable. “Don’t start things you can’t finish, Mrs. Blake.” She threw a carefree grin over her shoulder then, and he chased her through the parking garage, ultimately scooping her up and carrying her to the car as he placed delicate kisses over her face. 

He barely held himself off before they got home, but the second he had pulled the key out of the ignition, he was racing her to their bedroom, pieces of clothing flying past them as Clarke tackled Bellamy to the bed. 

“I want to be in charge this time,” She said, atop his hips. He just nodded, a bit fearful of how long he would be able to last with this new dominant side of his wife showing herself. She rolled her hips against his, and he gasped. 

“Fuck Clarke.” She grinned as she leaned her torso against, neither of them wearing a shirt, her bra the only thing separating them. When he tried to remove it, she sternly reprimanded him. 

“You need to be good for me Bell,” She teased. He just groaned. This woman would surely be the end of him. She sat up again, pulling the straps down her arms. She threw her hair behind her back, slowly unclipping the bra, but not allowing it to fall of. 

“Baby, please,” He couldn’t help but beg. The evil smirk it fed was the hottest thing he had ever seen. 

“Since you asked nicely,” She let it fall, but immediately buried her face in his neck, adding more marks to the one’s she created earlier. He could feel her breasts grazing against his chest, her arms holding herself just barely above him. He smiled up at her, and she glared. 

“I’m trying to be sexy Bell,” Her tone was whiney, and he couldn’t help but chuckle. 

“I know Princess. I just love you so much,” She sighed and rolled off of him. He immediately moved to her side. “You okay?”

She shrugged. “Octavia took me to the mall the other day, and we saw Echo teaching a self defense class, and I don’t know, I thought you might have liked her because she was demanding, or dominant, and I’m just not really that way in bed.”

“Darling, you could never compare to Echo,” He wiped a tear from her cheek, his thumb grazing with utmost respect. “You, my love, are beautiful and sweet and kind, and exactly everything I need. If I wanted to try something new in bed, I’d let you know, okay? I can fuck a woman, but the things you and I have, is not something I could have with anyone else. I absolutely love how we’re doing things now. Nothing compares to your sounds, or the way you can just relax and enjoy it. God, Clarke, you  _ always _ feel so good around me. You are perfect for me.” She pulled him down onto her, holding his body on top of hers, her body shaking with tears every few moments. 

“I’m so happy Bellamy.” 

He squeezed his arms where they were around her. 

“I’m so glad baby.” He kissed her cheek, and moved down her body, until he was in between her legs, but she just shook her head.

“I’m ready Bell,” He quirked an eyebrow, unbelieving, but upon entering a few fingers into her, found she was quite ready. He placed a kiss on her lips once he had moved back up to her, and slowly thrust into her. He continued at that pace for a while, both of them staring into the other’s eyes, placing kisses here and there. Eventually, he felt her clenching around him, small whimpers escaping her throat. He pulled her into his chest, and let go at the same time she did. 

She hummed softly, her eyes closed. He pulled himself off of her, and leaned onto his side, pulling her back into his chest. She pulled his arms around her stomach, a content sigh dropping from her lips as she leaned her head back into him. 

“Remember when we could spend the whole night doing that?” The question startled him. Was she disappointed neither of them had the stamina for things like that anymore?   
  


“Yeah, do you want another one honey?” She shook her head, in no hurry to answer him. She just smiled and turned in his arms. 

“This is just so much better than that,” She finally admitted. He was confused for a second. “You and I are just so different now. And this just all feels a lot sweeter and better than it was a few years ago,” He contemplated this for a few moments, remembering the times when they were so wrapped up in each other, enjoying something they had wanted for so long. It was a tunnel vision, seeing only the other person, not including them in their world the way they seemed to now. “I like when you hold me,” She continued. “I like that I still feel giddy when I get to be around you. I like that we get to work together on things, like with Adelyn. I like you a lot Bell. And when I was younger the last thing I wanted was to end up married young with a kid, I wanted to change the world. But I think this is all I ever need in my world, I can let someone else change the rest of the world.”

He squeezed her, burrowing his face in her hair. “I am so lucky to have you Princess.”

******

Clarke knew something had changed this time. She saw it in her husband’s smile, her baby’s giggle. The ease her friends held around them, no secrets about workplace affairs. She could never have imagined this, in any dream, in any classroom staring out the window, imagining life after high school. The excitement in Bellamy’s eyes a year later when she held up another ultrasound that he framed for his office at work. The pure love as he held her hand when she delivered their baby boy. No, she would not trade the world for this life she had found. 


End file.
